Episode 01 Transcript

Hey there!

What are we doing posting on a Thursday, you ask? First of all, don’t speak to us in that fucking tone. Second of all, we aren’t posting audio, you buffoon. You absolute dipshit. That’s for Fridays.

Anyway, as requested, here is a transcript of episode 1! In order to make this show as accessible as possible (though why anyone would want to access it is beyond me), we will upload transcripts of each episode, typically a day or two after the episode airs.

Please keep in mind: The co-hosts of this podcast are one high school and one university student. There’s a lot of shit going on, and we might be slow some weeks (read: exam weeks). We’ll upload the transcripts as soon as we can, but it takes a while to type up a 45+ minute episode of all the bullshit we spew.

Thank you for listening! Keep your eyes peeled for fresh content tomorrow!

(Intro music: Minor Apprehension by Jackie McLean)

Grace: Hello, and welcome to Starting Tools, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast for fools. I’m your co-host, Grace.

Tom: I’m your other co-host, Tom. I have a squeaky chair. (Squeaking noise)

Grace: Yeah, both these chairs are…not great.

Tom: Not good chairs, not great audio, um…

Grace: (Laughter) So good start to our podcast so far! We got the chair talk down…

Tom: Yeah, all good omens. I’m bleeding a little bit.

Grace: Yeah, you are, you scraped your arm!

(Laughter)

Tom: So what are our goals here?

Grace: I think our goals are to not lose any more blood. So far.

Tom: Yeah, that’s good, that’s good, that’s good. I like that. Um…

Grace: Uh, but Tom, we do have actual goals for this podcast.

Tom: We do.

Grace: Do want to tell me a little bit about your experience with Dungeons and Dragons?

Tom: Yes. I’ve played, uh…maybe four games of Dungeons and Dragons? All of my characters have had a consistent theme, that they’re just…bad and not good…and they’re part of the reason I don’t play Dungeons and Dragons—or don’t get invited to anymore.

Grace: Yeah I mean…if you’re just going to make a tiny rat…

Tom: I—okay—you have a role in that, but—

(Laughter)

Tom: Grace, tell me about your experience with Dungeons and Dragons.

Grace: Um, I’ve been playing Dungeons and Dragons seriously for about half a year now. I play with a group about weekly. I have a character who I care about a lot. But I also love to have a good (voice cracks) time.

(Laughter)

Grace: So what we’re gonna do for this podcast—

Tom: (Overlapping) Chill out, match.com

Grace: Let’s cut the, uh—let’s cut the shit. We’re going to make horrible, horrible beasts.

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: Because Dungeons and Dragons 5E, which is what we’ll be using as our creation—

Tom: I don’t even know what that means.

Grace: Jesus Christ. It’s the fifth edition.

Tom: Fuck off.

Grace: It has some really exciting…things!

Tom: Tell the—say the shit! What are we doing? We, uh…yeah, so this is kind of…a purge for Grace, I imagine? She does have a character that she cares about a lot. Stop me if I’m out of line, but—

Grace: (Overlapping) Yeah, I love her.

Tom: But you’re also….personal experience, a son of a bitch who really loves to—

(Overlapping laughter)

Tom (cont’d): —really loves to make some bad characters. So I kind of think this is, like—it redirects all that energy that could throw off your actual campaign.

Grace: Mm.

Tom: Right, so—

Grace: Exactly. Yeah.

Tom: It’s therapeutic.

Grace: So, in case you haven’t gotten our gist here: we’re going to make bad characters.

Tom: Very bad characters.

Grace: And, uh, we’re gonna use some improv, and—let’s just get started, Tom, you want to start?

Tom: Yeah—

Grace: Oh, I’m gonna—I’m gonna roll some dice, which will determine our ability stats. But do you have any ideas for the first character you want to make?

Tom: Yeah, so, I would really like to make…I was thinking earlier, we were thinking. I would really like to make a very long man.

Grace: Ohhhhh.

Tom: Just, long. Long in any capacity. Long arms, long—wiener. Gonna get a lot of that, on here—

(Laughter)

Grace: And there’s our first wiener. There it is.

Tom: First wiener. So, I’d just really like to make a long fella. I know goliaths are big? That’s the extent of my D&D knowledge.

Grace: Goliaths are big. You can also make a shapeshifter—

Tom: Ooh. Could he shift himself to be a real skinny, long…

Grace: (Overlapping) He could shift himself to be extremely long.

Tom: Now, I like that, but I also don’t want to have the option to be short, which it seems like a shifter could have.

Grace: Mm. That’s true. Shapeshifters—well, we’re getting confused between shifters and shapeshifters.

Tom: Are there—oh my god. Is that separate shit?

Grace: Yeah. A shifter can turn into, like a…sort of, like…well, it could be a rat, or a wolf, or like—it has these different characteristics.

Tom: Oh, yeah! So that’s, like…

Grace: Yeah. But a shapeshifter can turn into a lot of things. But I do like the idea of a goliath. Goliaths are fun.

Tom: Goliaths are fun, ’cause I’d like him to be dumb and long.

Grace: Well, some goliaths can be smart. Let’s not, you know, make any assertions here.

Tom: We have the D&D wiki pulled up right now for some goliath facts.

Grace: Yeah. Hey, D&D Beyond, if you want to sponsor us, we got, uh…we’re gonna be using you a lot.

Tom: Okay, so, let’s look at some goliath stuff.

Grace: So the first thing I will type into our character sheet page will be the race. Goliath.

Tom: Goliath! We’re doing great already. Oh, we should mention—all these sheets we make are going to be available.

Grace: Yes. They’ll be available on the internet, on our Twitter. We’ll post them after we post the episode—

Tom: (Overlapping) We’ll plug all that stuff later, don’t worry.

Grace: Okay.

Tom: So. Goliath. Class—or, um, level—

Grace: Actually, Tom, you know what we should do?

Tom: What?

Grace: So, I’m not sure if you—you haven’t played a lot of D&D, but what you do to determine ability scores is you roll a d6. Or you can take the standard array, but I like the d6, because that makes it kind of wild. So you roll that four times, eliminate the lowest, and you do that…how many ability—six times. So there’s going to be a lot of dice rolling real quick. You can talk over that if you want. But I’m just gonna…count things.

(Sound of dice hitting table for next few minutes)

Tom: All right. Maybe I’ll read some goliath facts. Would you object to that?

Grace: Yeah, go ahead! Sort of…flesh out the character for me.

Tom: So, um, goliath facts. Each goliath has three names: a birth name assigned by the newborn’s mother and father, a nickname assigned by the tribal chief, and a family or clan name. So birth name’s up to three syllables long, clan names are five syllables or more, and end in a vowel. Um…so, birth name. What’s a good three-syllable name?

Grace: Fuck.

Tom: That’s…

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): …objectively one.

Grace: Our character doesn’t know that.

Tom: Okay, so. How about… (Pause)

Grace: We can also come up with this later as we discover the character more.

Tom: Mm. Yeah, no, I feel like the name might come to us. But I just want to keep that in mind. Uh, so…it’s a long fellow, right? A long, long dude?

Grace: Yeah, I think that’s fair to say.

Tom: Do goliaths also have to be buff, or can they just be long.

Grace: Goliaths are typically buff. However, I don’t think we’re going to be following a whole lot of rules in this game

Tom: Yeah, because I don’t think this guy lifts or goes to the gym in any capacity. He’s a real stringy fella.

(Dice rolling stops)

Grace: Well, Tom, uh…

Tom: How are my stats looking?

Grace: As we’ve rolled these ability scores, uh…I actually got pretty lucky with this one, generally I have pretty bad luck with dice.

Tom: (Overlapping) Oh, shit. Can I redirect one of these stats, like Intelligence, into Length?

Grace: (Pause) No, I think we’re gonna go with the standard…

Tom: (Overlapping) Fine.

Grace: …things. Which, in cause you’re learning D&D, it’s Strength—

(Laughter)

Tom: Nobody’s listening to this to learn, I’m sorry!

Grace: I’m just, you know, helping out people who might not listen! It’s Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma. And now, the numbers—

Tom: (Overlapping) Very charismatic, can I say, this guy.

Grace: Can I say the numbers? Can I say the fucking numbers?

(Laughter)

Tom: Okay.

Grace: Um, the numbers are—we got two elevens, one fourteen, one sixteen, one ten, and one six.

Tom: Ooh.

(Laughter)

Grace: So, kinda rough on that end.

Tom: Well, when you’re this long, you don’t gotta be smart. So you know I gotta pop that six into intelligence.

Grace: Six…and now, I believe…that’s a minus two.

Tom: That’s not a good modifier. That isn’t great.

Grace: It’s a bad modifier. But hey, maybe he’s really…strong, really charismatic.

Tom: Yeah. Also, you know, if we’re this dumb, we’re probably not gonna be very wise. So let’s pop that ten—that’s the next lowest, right?

Grace: Yeah, ten is next lowest, which is a plus zero.

Tom: Okay, so, you know, he’s just…

Grace: So he’s equal. Probably about average on wisdom.

Tom: Not too wise. Um, Charisma. Fourteen.

Grace: I like that. He’s kind of, uh, breaking stereotypes of goliaths.

Tom: No, yeah, he’s very likable.

Grace: I guess there’s lots of different types of charisma, though.

Tom: What’s the modifier for that?

Grace: That’s a…plus two. Yes. Plus two.

Tom: All right. So, Constitution. I think people get mad about how long he is…

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): …and they really try to take a swing at him. So, his constitution should be pretty good. Let’s give him an eleven in Constitution.

Grace: That’s a plus zero.

(Laughter)

Tom: Well. He can’t take a hit that well. Strength…we already talked, he’s not that strong.

Grace: So eleven?

Tom: Eleven, yeah.

Grace: So that leaves Dexterity, which is interesting, because goliaths I think of as not super dexterous.

Tom: (Overlapping) No, he’s excellent.

Grace: (Overlapping) But I guess, the long arms.

Tom: He’s excellent with his hands.

Grace: Great. Sixteen, that’s a plus three. And—so something cool is that the race allows you to …have, sometimes…extra ability score increases.

Tom: Now that’s a sentence.

Grace: So the strength—

(Laughter)

Tom: You wanna give that another go?

Grace: No, I think it was fine the first time.

Tom: All right, fine.

Grace: So the Strength—the ability store increases by two—

Tom: FUCK!

Grace: —and Constitution increases by one.

Tom: I don’t want it!

Grace: Well, Strength is thirteen now, which is plus…one?

Tom: Fine. I mean, I guess when he swings his arms, he can build up a lot of momentum—

Grace: And Constitution, now, is plus one as well. Because it’s twelve.

Tom: Oh! Well, that’s good, because—

Grace: He does need that Constitution, people hate—

Tom: (Overlapping) People HATE this guy. So much—

Grace: (Overlapping) HATE this man. They hate him so bad.

Tom: Because they’re jealous. That’s all it is.

Grace: Um, and Tom. About our goliath here—our friend, our long-armed friend—

Tom: Yes.

Grace: He’s gonna need a class. That’s an important part of Dungeons and Dragons.

Tom: Class. Um, I’d like him to be—

Grace: Can I list all the classes, so we know what classes there are?

Tom: Yes. Yeah. This’ll be good. Because I was just kinda going to freestyle. I know, like, rogues and druids.

Grace: Okay. So there are all of these classes. Barbarian, Bard, Cleric, Druid, Fighter…

Tom: (Overlapping) I’m going to stop you right there.

Grace: …Monk, Paladin, Ranger, Rogue, Sorcerer, Warlock, and Wizard.

Tom: I think this guy’s a fighter.

Grace: I think he’s a fighter too.

Tom: He’s very weak, but he’s a fighter. He’s overcome a lot.

Grace: He fucking sucks at fighting.

Tom: He’s fighting his own personal battles.

(Laughter.)

Grace: The long arms. Tom—how long are they? How long is he?

Tom: Oh. Do I get—this is really where I get to wild out? Like, is there an option…that you…

Grace: Now, let’s see what the suggested height is for goliaths.

Tom: Okay, and we’re just gonna fuck that, right?

Grace: Between seven and eight feet tall, between 240 and 340—280 and 340 pounds.

Tom: This guy is 270 pounds and nine feet tall.

Grace: (Quiet sigh)

Tom: This guy is 270 pounds and nine feet tall.

Grace: Oh, man. Let’s get that into the appearance section, I guess.

Tom: And as for wingspan?

Grace: No, Tom. (Pause) Oh, you mean actual—

(Laughter)

Tom: Yes! No, no! I’m not talking about giving this guy wings, he’s powerful enough as is. I’m saying wingspan…probably, I want it to be longer than his height. So, like, if both his arms are… (Mumbling) I want his arms to be five feet long each. Can you do that for me? Can you please, please do that for me?

Grace: There’s no place for wingspan on here, but—

Tom: I mean, I assume that would be under “additional features and traits.”

Grace: I’ll put it in “treasure.” Wingspan of ten feet.

(Laughter)

Tom: Long arms.

Grace: Cool. Okay.

Tom: Yeah, let’s get out of there for now. Let’s get back to…background?

Grace: Yeah! So this is one of my favorite things about 5E, is actually, like, the backgrounds you can have. You can have lots of things. I mean, I’ll open up the Wikipedia page for backgrounds for D&D, but, like. You could make up your own. But—

Tom: I mean, I assume because he’s so long, and tall, and thin, all the goliaths got jealous and were like “Man, I wish I was an otter like this guy.” Um…

Grace: So you’re saying that he was thrown out of his clan?

Tom: Yeah, because—

Grace: (Overlapping) Oh, interesting.

Tom: (Overlapping) Yeah.

Grace: So he could be an urchin or an outlander, depending on really how young he was when he decided to leave.

Tom: Uh, I think he came out of the womb nine feet.

(Pause, laughter)

Grace: There’s no background that’s “bastard,” Tom. There’s no “fucker” background.

Tom: Seven pounds, eight ounces, nine feet tall. He was essentially a meter stick. And they were like, “FUCK that! He looks like a vein!” and they threw him out.

(Laughter)

Grace: I think that that would make him an urchin.

Tom: Yeah, probably. I mean, no one wants this guy. Nobody. I mean, the outlanders saw him and they were like, “Fuck that guy.”

Grace: Oh, man, I hate him.

(Laughter)

Tom: Sorry—Grace, over here, just spelled—she was trying to spell “urchin”—she spelled “urkgub”

Grace: (Through laughter) I got excited—

Tom: Which is, of course, my favorite Family Matters character.

(Laughter)

Grace: (Through laughter) So excited. Ah, fuck. I’m gonna, for player name—I’m gonna put this one as you, Tom.

Tom: Yeah, put this one under my name.

Grace: He has zero experience points—we’re gonna start these all at level one.

Tom: Yeah, so you guys can play them. Lucky you.

Grace: Exactly. If you’re starting your own campaign, you could play, um, Urkgub for yourself.

Tom: Alignment—I’m gonna say it right now. He is Lawful Good. He’s trying to make good.

Grace: I like this. I like that we’re starting with a good guy.

Tom: Because he’s not a fighter! He doesn’t really like—well—he’s—

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): —his class is a fighter, but he doesn’t really—

Grace: Tom…now, I want you to look at what you just—

Tom: He’s mostly overcoming…he’s overcoming his own personal struggles with his length and his wingspan.

Grace: Right, and he doesn’t fight unless he really needs to.

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: I’m gonna pop the name “Urkgub” into—

Tom: “Urkgub” feels good, but we do need to add a third syllable right now, because it’s a goliath.

Grace: No, the third syllable’s silent.

Tom: Uh, then just add a couple of E’s at the end.

Grace: (Doing her best to pronounce it) “Urkgubee.”

Tom: Urkgub.

Grace: Yeah, it’s kind of a third syllable. It’s like…Urkgub-buh. And you kind of have to decide…

Tom: Urkgub.

Grace: Urkgub-buh.

Tom: Yeah. And, uh…we’ll focus on the nickname later.

Grace: (Overlapping) Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

Tom: Oh, wait! No, um…how many syllables does the nickname have to be? Because I think I’ve got some good ones.

Grace: Tom, why are you so strictly following the name rules? Tom, we’ve made a character who is—can I just call him Urkgub?

Tom: Fine. Fucking fine.

(Laughter)

Grace: He—also, why would he follow the rules? Because, think about it—he got thrown out because he was, like a vein.

Tom: Oh, yeah. He made his own name.

Grace: His name is Urkgub and we love him.

Tom: I don’t. I mean, I made him, but I share no love for him.

Grace: So, let’s get the background stuff out of the way, actually, because, as um…

Tom: (Overlapping) Yeah, because you can do some of this, like, secret, stuff in the…other stuff.

Grace: (Overlapping) As an urchin, you get skill proficiencies in Sleight Of Hand and Stealth. Which is good. He has a relatively high dexterity, so that makes sense for him.

Tom: And he’s got a lot of fucking hand, so, like…

Grace: He does, yeah. Are the hands long, too?

Tom: The hands are about twenty percent of the arm.

Grace: Jesus. God Almighty, save us. God damn.

Tom: They’re like ping-pong paddles.

Grace: Holy fuck, Thomas.

Tom: Well, no, ping-pong paddle is—they’re like tennis rackets, if anything.

Grace: God damn. Oof. Um, you also get a Disguise Kit and Thieves’ Tools, so if he wants to steal things—this is going to be an interesting background for our character.

Tom: It’s going to be pretty hard to disguise them.

(Laughter, overlapping)

Grace: Oh, no.

Tom: People know what he looks like.

Grace: It’s just a cardboard box.

Tom: God, he…yeah, it’s just a bag over his head, and two bags over his arms.

(Typing sounds)

Tom: Thieves’ Tools…yeah, he does use those. He steals from the…who does he steal from? I’m kind of picturing a Robin Hood. No, but he’s lawful, hold on!

Grace: Well…it’s interesting—

Tom: (Overlapping) Let’s change to to Chaotic Good, hold on. We can’t do lawful characters on this.

Grace: That’s good, because Robin Hood is the quintessential Chaotic Good character, right? Like, he’s doing good things.

Tom: Yeah. Longman Good. Is that a…?

Grace: (Sigh)

Tom: As much as I—that can be his nickname. Longman “Urkgub” Good.

Grace: Fuck, Tom. So, wait. Longman…

(Typing)

Tom: “Ling,” is what you just typed.

Grace: Long man—this is going to be a long fucking podcast if you’re going to make fun of my typing the whole time.

(Laughter)

Tom: It’s twenty—

Grace: …”Urkgub”…Good.

Tom: Longman “Urkgub” Good.

Grace: Wow. Wow, I’m kind of in awe right now. Oh, Tom! So, you also get all this equipment.

Tom: Oh, I get a—

Grace: (Overlapping) A small knife, a map of the city he grew up in…

Tom: Well.

Grace: A pet mouse, a token to remember your parents by (Laughing), a set of common clothes, and a belt pouch containing 10 gp.

Tom: Uh, I would like to motion that the token I’m remembered by is my umbilical cord.

Grace: This is too dark, Tom.

Tom: I kept it on.

Grace: God damn.

Tom: No? Do I, like—maybe it’s, like—uh…maybe my parents gave me, like…

Grace: No, I like it.

Tom: Is that too much?

Grace: Our dad, of course, mailed our sister’s umbilical cord to his friend.

Tom: Well, that’s—well—

(Laughter)

Tom: That’s fine, that’s fine, that’s fine. And the good thing is that no one’s ever going to be able to tell if that’s a joke or not.

Grace: Yeah. Oh, and he gets 10 gp! 10 gp, boys!

Tom: A whole ten, all right!

Grace: And he has a pet mouse. What’s his pet mouse’s name?

Tom: Now, I do think of him as kind of intelligent, but not smart enough—

Grace: To eat the mouse? Is that what you’re getting at?

Tom: (Pause) He didn’t—he didn’t eat the mouse! No, he loves it! What the fuck? Is that what you go to?

(Laughter)

Grace: I don’t know!

Tom: Oh my God!

Grace: He’s kind of a brute! He’s brutal!

Tom: He’s gentle!

Grace: Oh, man.

Tom: He doesn’t like to hurt, Grace.

Grace: Well…

Tom: Um…now, I’m just going to toss something out there, and if you say no, I totally get it.

Grace: Mhm.

Tom: How long would you allow the mouse to be?

Grace: (Long pause) The mouse has gotta be normal.

Tom: I’d like it to be serpentine.

Grace: Would you like a ferret? Is that what you’re talking about, Tom, are you talking about a ferret?

(Laughter)

Tom: I’d love a ferret.

Grace: We can change that. Fuck it, we’re homebrewing this shit!

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: (Singsong, over typing sounds) Ferret.

Tom: If your DM has a problem with this, fuck him! Find another one, they’re not cool.

Grace: Exactly. This is a good tip, that if your DM doesn’t let you have—

Tom: (Overlapping) One of these characters.

Grace: (Overlapping) A nine-foot tall goliath, um…he’s a bad DM.

Tom: Yeah. Oh, just so that we don’t forget—I’d like you to add, um, “gigantic dishpan hands”—or no, what are they, like, “saucepan hands,” they’re the size of saucepans, and the depth, I think, when he cups his hands…

Grace: Yeah, he could cook something in those.

Tom: I think he could really cook something.

Grace: I’m putting that in “Treasure” as well.

Tom: Yeah, that’s a treasure.

Grace: He is a treasure.

Tom: This whole guy’s a treasure. Can we just put him in the treasure?

Grace: Aw, yeah!

Tom: That’s nice.

Grace: Him!

Tom: I feel like he needs a win. Aw, that’s enthusiastic.

Grace: Okay. So, something cool about backgrounds—oh, we also get “City Secrets.” That’s a feature that we get.

(Laughter)

Tom: City Secrets: Everyone hates me.

Grace: Now, that’s a feature that he gets, which is…that he knows, like, patterns and flows of cities, and he can find passages through the urban sprawl that others would miss.

Tom: Oh, those have gotta be some pretty big passages, though.

Grace: Whoa, whoa, whoa. When you’re in combat—no, when we are not in combat—“you and your companions can travel between any two locations in the city twice as fast as your speed would normally allow.” Holy shit, why have I not played an urchin before?

Tom: I like that this is the thing you get excited about, and I’m just still, like, pumped about dishpan hands.

Grace: Tom, you have no idea how long travel takes. City Secrets, bitch, I’m putting that in our Features and Traits!

Tom: City Secrets, all right.

Grace: Okay. But—this is what I got excited about.

Tom: Lay it on me.

Grace: You get—um, suggested characteristics. So, in the character sheet, there’s a Personality Trait, Bond, Ideal, and Flaw. And while you can write these—

Tom: (Overlapping) Oh, right, this!

Grace: —you can also just roll for them based off your background. So I’m gonna do some rolls!

Tom: Let’s go for it. So these are our personality traits?

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: I love one.

(Dice rolling)

Grace: Eight. “I bluntly say what other people are hinting or hiding.”

Tom: I mean, I am chaotic good!

Grace: That is true.

Tom: But I feel like a lot of what people are hinting at or hiding is that they are, like, uncomfortable with my presence or like, they think my hands are big, or…

Grace: Oh, so he meets a new person, he says, “I know what you’re thinking. I’m a bastard.”

Tom: Yeah, and they’re like, “Uh-huh! You’re the worst.”

Grace: Of course, if you like another trait better, we can switch it to that one, you know.

Tom: I’m just gonna read one—I’m not sure if I want to switch. But: the one trait is “I hide scraps of food and trinkets away in my pockets.”

(Laughter)

Grace: I was laughing at that one too!

Tom: Which I love, very much.

Grace: I love him! Let’s do it. Fuck it.

Tom: (Through laughter) “I eat like a pig and have bad manners!”

Grace: Oh, Tom, something I just remembered! You roll for two personality traits! We can roll again!

Tom: Fuck off!

(Dice rolling)

Grace: That’s a six! Oh, “I think anyone who’s nice to me is hiding evil intent.” That’s kind of a bummer.

(Laughter)

Tom: This guy is just a bummer.

Grace: Tom, which one of these—which two of these do you like best?

Tom: I’d like one and five, please. Oh, wait! (Through laughter) One and three! I’d like to read three, which is: “I like to squeeze into small places where no one else can get to me.” How fucking small? Is it like, a normal-sized car? Because that’s the smallest space this guy can squeeze into.

Grace: Tom, cars don’t exist in D&D…well, I guess they might.

Tom: Horse carriage?

Grace: I’ll put that in. Squeezing into small places. Sure, why not?

Tom: “Small.”

Grace: This is our man. (Pause, then, halfheartedly, to the tune of Pixies’ “Here Comes Your Man”) Here comes your man.

Tom: He’s gigantic, but he’s extremely flexible.

Grace: Well, he does have that high Dexterity, yeah.

Tom: Oh, yeah! Is he kind of Houdini-esque, in that he’s, like—man, this guy can get into an umbrella stand, and he’s nine feet tall.

Grace: Tom, we kind of went after this guy making a joke, but I kind of love him.

Tom: Yeah, no, he’s excellent, but, like…

Grace: Okay. Um, we gotta move this along. Ideal. What’s his Ideal? Let’s roll a d6!

(Dice rolling)

Tom: I like number…

Grace: (Overlapping) Three!

Tom: Three.

Grace: Ooh.

Tom: Oh, Chaotic.

Grace: “The low are lifted up, and the high and mighty are brought down. Change is the nature of things.”

Tom: That’s a little heavy, but I kind of like it, you know? Maybe he’s kind of a wild boy.

Grace: He is kind of a wild boy, and it is chaotic aligned.

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: I mean, we call him—he’s Robin Hood. He’s a shitty, shitty Robin Hood.

Tom: Well, I don’t think “shitty” is the right word, I think he’s good.

Grace: He’s a shitty Robin Hood.

Tom: Bonds.

Grace: Roll that d6. Roll them bones.

(Dice rolling)

Grace: Does he sponsor an orphanage—is he that—he has ten gold pieces.

Tom: “I sponsor an orphanage to keep others from enduring what I was forced to endure.”

Grace: Oh, nobody was forced to endure what he was forced to endure!

Tom: (Overlapping) No, no one is born as a cardiovascular system like he was!

Grace: Just a little linguini.

Tom: It’s an empty orphanage. Let’s roll again. That just—that just doesn’t work.

(Dice rolling)

Grace: I don’t like that.

Tom: “I owe my survival to another urchin who taught me to live on the streets.”

(Dice rolling)

Grace: Tom I’d like you to look at what I’m highlighting.

Tom: Oh, “Nobody else should have to endure the hardships I’ve been through. Now that, I like.

Grace: Which I…I think is fair.

Tom: That is incredibly fair.

Grace: Man, we’re just ignoring dice rolls. We’re the worst players.

Tom: No, fuck dice rolls.

Grace: Um, and his flaws. Oh, man, where to begin.

Tom: (Overlapping) Where to start? Not tall enough.

(Dice roll)

(Hysterical laughter)

Tom: Okay. This is the one roll we do, in like, three turns, and: “It’s not stealing if I need it more than someone else.”

Grace: I love him.

Tom: Which—that’s very Robin Hood of you. It ends with a period, which is extra, like, ominous.

Grace: Yeah. Not stealing. I ain’t stealing.

Tom: That will not hold up in court.

Grace: Well, we have used our Urchin background. Thank you D&D 5e dot Wikia dot com.

Tom: Stop plugging. They’re not going to sponsor us.

Grace: Want to sponsor us? We’re doing horrible things. And now it’s time to get over to Roll20, a great site—

Tom: Fuck clean off. This is where she does her—this is where you do your thing, right?

Grace: It is, yeah, I meet people, yeah.

Tom: All right. Roll20, sponsor…

Grace: Sponsor us, we have a good time! I have a serious campaign, too!

Tom: What a good service.

Grace: So, since we’re starting at level one, we don’t need to roll a bunch of hit dice, but we do get to take 10 and add our Constitution modifier, since our hit dice are 1d10, as a fighter.

Tom: That means n—what are you—yeah, sure. Go for it.

Grace: It’s eleven. We got eleven hit points, Thomas.

Tom: Oh, that’s kind of weak, isn’t it.

Grace: Well, for level one, it’s actually relatively strong. If you’re a sorcerer, you got, like, six hit points.

Tom: Ha. Weak ass…

Grace: I hate spellcasters.

Tom: Yeah—Grace hates wizards and warlocks and…

Grace: I hate wizards and warlocks and sorcerers because I don’t want to memorize all the spells. And I say this as somebody who plays a ranger.

Tom: Jesus Christ.

Grace: I mean, I get like five spells.

Tom: That’s…more than this guy has.

Grace: Yeah, he doesn’t get any. He doesn’t know magic.

Tom: He knows the streets. He knows street law.

Grace: So, as—I’ll add this all in later, but because we’re a fighter, we’re kind of hardcore, and we get proficiency in, like, all armor and all weapons. That’s not true, but we get Light Armor, Medium Armor, Heavy Armor, Shields…

Tom: Now, I—I believe that this guy should have all short weapons, because his arms are, the, like, length, you know.

Grace: Ooh.

Tom: Like, give this guy—can we give him—

Grace: (Overlapping) So, a shortsword, is what you’re saying.

Tom: A shortsword or a dagger or something.

Grace: He’ll get small weapons, sure. We’ll figure this out as we go along.

Tom: All right, sure.

Grace: Um, and you also get to choose two skills from Acrobatics, Animal Handling, Athletics, History, Insight, Intimidation, Perception, and Survival.

Tom: I think—okay, Animal Handling, absolutely. He’s got the ferret.

Grace: (Laughter) Tom—

Tom: Yeah, he has a very strong bond with his ferret!

Grace: I say this as somebody who gives my character Animal Handling every time I make a new one: it’s the most useless fucking skill.

Tom: Okay, not when you have a ferret.

Grace: Fuck, all right. We’re giving him Animal Handling.

Tom: Yeah! Yeah, you are! And don’t you forget it!

Grace: Since we’re making a Harry Houdini type, do you want it to be Acrobatics?

Tom: Acrobatics would be good, because this guy—

Grace: (Overlapping) Acrobatics are very useful.

Tom: —this guy needs to fit into, like, a very small wooden crate.

Grace: Needs to scrunch on down.

Tom: Yeah. “Fuck, he was in my laundry basket!” Like, people in the city hate this guy.

Grace: People hate him.

Tom: Because he squeezes into things and then he pops out and then he steals all your shit.

Grace: Tom, dermatologists hate him.

Tom: Jesus.

Grace: Oh, actually, I don’t want to forget this—we have proficiency in the Athletics skill because we are a goliath.

Tom: Well, I mean, this guy does a lot of running. People do not want him around.

Grace: No, he’s got to run.

Tom: He’s always on the move.

Grace: Athletics. God, we’re making a good character. This is a good character, Tom.

Tom: Aside from backstory, name, and…the way he was spawned…

Grace: Well. Well…

Tom: This guy might actually be playable, and I’m worried about that.

Grace: Well…

Tom: I mean, we still have plenty of time to fuck around with physical appearance, because I want this guy to look…

Grace: Horrible?

Tom: Horrible.

Grace: Tom, goliaths already look, like, kind of rough.

Tom: No, yeah, but I want him to look like Carrot Top.

Grace: (Sigh)

Tom: And that’s where I’m at. Do goliaths have hair? Is that allowed? Because the guy I’m seeing right now is bald.

Grace: Tom, why are we—why are we caring about rules? I—oh. Sorry, I’m just powering through all the goliath stuff: we get a base walking speed of thirty feet.

Tom: (Laughter) Holy fuck.

Grace: Which is average. That’s—that’s not fast.

Tom: (Overlapping) Oh, really?

Grace: (Overlapping) It sounds fast, but—

Tom: I thought it was like—I thought twenty was average, so this guy’s just barreling around.

Grace: No, no. Thirty is what the average human has.

Tom: Oh. Well, I’m not the average human.

Grace: Um…initiative is zero at level one…armor class, we can get to that later…oh, this is awesome.

Tom: Oh my God, Mountain Born. I was mountain born and then thrown down the side, so, like…

Grace: Ooh, this is cool: “You can focus yourself to occasionally shrug off injury. When you take damage, you can use your reaction to roll a d12. Add your Constitution modifier to the number rolled and reduce the damage for that total. After you use this trait, you can’t use it again until after a long rest.” Stone’s Endurance. We’ll just add that.

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: Oh, and we get to speak Common—

Tom: Powerful Build, yeah, you got that right!

Grace: Yeah, baby!

Tom: Shit, this guy is good.

Grace: He’s really—Tom, we’ve made a good character. I thought we were supposed to make bastards.

Tom: No, I mean, we’ll get to that with the appearance and stuff.

Grace: Powerful Build, Stone’s Endurance, Mountain Born—born and raised, baby.

Tom: Mountain boy! Well—oh. He was born, but he was not raised.

(Laughter)

Grace: Take me home, country roads.

Tom: They threw him straight the fuck down that hill.

Grace: Oh, man. That’s like, uh, Hephaestus.

Tom: They put him in a barrel, and they were like, “See ya.”

Grace: And he speaks Common and Giant.

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: Um. That’s pretty much all we need for the goliath page, thank you goliaths.

Tom: Thank you Roll20. Oh no, this is D&D Beyond.

Grace: Tom, get our fucking sponsors straight.

Tom: Fuck. Fuck! I lost two sponsors.

Grace: Tom, so, uh…

Tom: Now we’re on Roll20 dot net.

Grace: You can, uh—you start with Chain Mail, or you can use leather armor—

Tom: LEATHER!

Grace: Well, leather armor gives you shitty—it’s kind of the worst, weakest armor. I mean, I have it, it’s just…

Tom: Leather boy.

Grace: You also—is this guy an archer? I don’t know what fighting style we want to give him.

Tom: Oh, he does have a lot of arm power. But I’d like him to just sort of whip around with knives, like, stabbing aimlessly, you know?

Grace: That sounds like you’re talking about two-weapon fighting.

Tom: (Singsong) That’s right!

Grace: Cool. Or, um, dueling? Yeah, melee weapons. He’s a dueler.

Tom: Cool, he’s a dueler.

Grace: I’m gonna…oh, fuck, great weapon fighting…

Tom: Oh, he’s not great at weapon fighting.

(Laughter)

Grace: Okay, yeah. Dueling. Dueling.

Tom: He just spins, is what I’m picturing. You know, his arms are just so long, he’s gotta—

Grace: So, you want some chain mail?

Tom: Yes.

Grace: Cool. Your stealth is at a disadvantage, but we have a crazy high armor class. Because that is sixteen plus our Dex, which is three, which is nineteen.

Tom: Can I tell you what I love about the chain mail armor?

Grace: Yeah, tell me.

Tom: Uh, when he spins around, it’ll kind of sound like Christmas bells, which is going to be…

Grace: Tom, want to know something else I love about it? Your stealth is always at a disadvantage.

Tom: Oh.

(Laughter)

Tom: Aw, nuts. I mean—

Grace: But it does sound like Christmas bells!

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: He’s got an Intelligence of six, he’s not worrying about stealth.

Tom: Also, it’s hard to be stealthy when you’re a fucking ape. When you’re a beast.

Grace: Just a big boy.

Tom: This guy is like—he’s so powerful, and so lengthy, but like…

Grace: We can also have a martial weapon and a shield, or we could have two martial weapons.

Tom: I will not be needing a shield.

(Laughter)

Grace: Fuck.

Tom: You can dispose of that shield right now.

Grace: C’mon, martial weapons, where you at? (Pause) So you say you want short weapons, right? Despite his giant hands?

Tom: Yeah. Maybe a flail?

Grace: Ooh. Boy.

Tom: Maybe a flail.

Grace: Ooh boy.

Tom: Bludgeoning. That sounds right.

Grace: Want to give him a shortsword and a flail?

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: Oh, and the great thing about a shortsword is because it’s a finesse weapon, you can use—

Tom: (Laughter) Sorry, I like that.

Grace: Hey, don’t fucking laugh at me!

Tom: Go.

Grace: You can use your Dexterity modifier rather than your strength modifier, which is great, because, um…

Tom: Oh, I’m dextrous.

Grace: What’s his name? Scrumbo?

Tom: Hey, fuck off, you—Longman “Urkgub” Good!

(Laughter)

Grace: —Which is great, because Scrumbo does have a good Dexterity.

Tom: That name does not roll off the tongue, though.

Grace: Sure doesn’t, but I love him. I love him nonetheless. I’m just gonna add these in. Flail! Um…

Tom: (Laughter) These are his abilities.

Grace: Shortsword! Oh, it won’t let me put in the full “Shortsword.”

Tom: Shortswor.

Grace: Shortswor.

Tom: Or just do S-O-R-D. Shortsord.

Grace: Shortsord. No, I like swor.

Tom: Shortswor? That’s like saying fuck really fast.

Grace: So the flail?

Tom: Am I right?

Grace: Tom, I’m trying to make a character sheet.

Tom: Grace. Grace, laugh.

(Laughter)

Grace: Damage is 1d8…(mumbling)…plus strength modifier…Wow, this is good audio.

Tom: Yeah, this is just all the shit that you get excited about, and I’m like, spacing.

Grace: There are people who will get excited for this. Plus one…

Tom: Yeah. Hey, real D&D fans—thank you for listening.

Grace: Can I just say, if anybody’s listening to this podcast, and I get something wrong, don’t, like…tweet at me…

Tom: (Overlapping) Tweet. Yeah.

Grace: …Because we’re, like, getting all shit wrong, all the time, and I am so bad at Dungeons and Dragons.

Tom: Yeah. The basis for this podcast is, like, unholy and wrong.

Grace: (Overlapping) Fucking up, yeah.

Tom: Also, like, real D&D fans, thank you very much for your patronage—why are you listening to this?

Grace: Yeah. Maybe get away from us, please.

Tom: Listen to people who know what they’re doing. No offense, Grace. But people who aren’t—

Grace: Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing. (Typing) Pier…p…

Tom: Hey, Roll20, let me write whole things.

Grace: Oh, this isn’t Roll20. This is—don’t blame Roll20 on this one. This is just a character sheet I downloaded from the internet. It’s good, it’s good, it’s cool.

Tom: Never mind.

Grace: Oh, we’re gonna get so many weapons, Tom. Fuck.

Tom: I’m going to be armed to the teeth. Wait—teeth. We haven’t discussed teeth.

Grace: We’ll get to character appearance, we’ll get to character appearance. Would you like a light crossbow, or two handaxes?

Tom: Two handaxes. Are you fucking kidding me? Just spinning around?

Grace: Cool.

Tom: I’m going to start brainstorming things on this little notepad over here for teeth situations.

Grace: Sweet.

Tom: Just, where we’re gonna…

Grace: Yeah, you work on that. (Singsong) Handaxe…that’s Strength, I believe? Yeah.

Tom: Armed to the teeth. I want to explore that phrase, Grace.

Grace: I’m worried about this podcast.

(Laughter)

Tom: Arms on the teeth??

Grace: 1d6…slashing damage.

Tom: Teeth on the arms. TEETH ON THE ARMS!

Grace: (Determinedly ignoring) Slashing damage. We have two handaxes, I’ll remember that. Um…uh…uh…uh…

Tom: Grace, I notice you just sort of powered through my great idea, and I’d like to rewind.

Grace: I powered through an idea. Not sure…

Tom: Teeth on the arms.

Grace: Okay. So we also get a Dungeoneer’s Pack…

Tom: (Overlapping) Wow.

Grace: …or an Explorer’s Pack.

Tom: Uh, this guy’s an explorer, I think.

Grace: Yeah, Dungeoneer’s Pack…aw, yeah Explorer’s Pack. We got rope.

Tom: This guy’s got a mess kit. He is a mess, I mean…

Grace: (Laughter) Be nice to him.

Tom: No, he sucks. I’ve done a full 180 on him.

(Laughter)

Tom: I was a little bit in love, but I felt out of love with him.

Grace: So our proficiency bonus at level one is a plus two, actually. I did fuck that up earlier. So that was the first—

Tom: Tweet at her! Tweet!

Grace: Yeah, tweet at me.

Tom: She just did an @ sign.

Grace: Tom, people can’t see all the fuck-ups that I make when I’m typing. I’ll have all of this fixed.

Tom: You’re going to end up deleting this when you’re done.

Grace: Yeah. Yeah, that’s fair. Um…so we get a fighting style, and we decided on…dueling?

Tom: Yeah, yeah.

Grace: So when we are holding a melee weapon in one hand and no other weapons, we gain a +2 bonus to damage rolls with that weapon, let me add those…is a flail a melee?

Tom: I mean, yeah, probably, it smashes real good, bashes.

Grace: Yeah, but there are, like, specific rules.

Tom: Specific rules. You know, the thing we care about on this podcast?

Grace: (Overlapping) Hell yeah, melee. All of these are melee. Plus two, bitch.

Tom: That’s his other nickname. The Plus Two Bitch.

Grace: Plus Two Bitch. That is true.

Tom: And yet you didn’t write it.

Grace: Yeah. We get dueling, and we also get second wind, so it’s like…I can use a bonus action to regain…one bonus action to regain hit points equal to 1d10 plus our fighter level.

Tom: You just said “I,” which makes me think you’re identifying—

Grace: (Laughter) I’m identifying, yeah.

Tom: You’re empathizing with this guy way too much. He would kill you without a second thought.

Grace: Stockholm syndrome…no, he’s chaotic good!

Tom: He is holding us captive, isn’t he?

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: Holding us captive within ourselves. Fighting style…

Grace: (Typing sounds) Dueling!

Tom: Flailing!

Grace: He’s kind of…kind of a fancy boy, thing.

Tom: He is—he’s a lot of things, but I don’t think he’s a fancy boy.

Grace: So we also do get a +2 proficiency bonus—I’ll do all the math of adding this shit up later.

Tom: Yeah. Because that is literally audio poison. That would…

Grace: Yeah, it’s not great. Just me adding every single one of our skills up.

Tom: Breathing, like, an inch away from the mic. (Quiet, whispery) Oh, yeah, that’s the ticket.

Grace: Thomas…

Tom: (Whispery breathing sounds)

Grace: We’ve covered…our first page.

Tom: Y—I don’t have any spells, so we can fuck that second one, right?

Grace: That’s the third page.

Tom: Oh, well.

Grace: But this means we get to get to, um…

Tom: AGE! Give me the maximum age for these guys!

Grace: (Silence)

Tom: What is the maximum age? I need to figure it out so I can do some math.

Grace: I’m just kind of taking a breather right now.

Tom: No, absolutely not!

(Laughter)

Grace: Um, let’s see what the goliath…how old can goliaths be? I feel like they live younger. Yeah. Oh, they have lifespans comparable to humans, they enter adulthood in late teens and usually live less than a century.

Tom: Cowards. All right, make me, like…actually, I think this guy’s kind of young. I think he’s like thirty.

Grace: Kind of young and scrappy?

Tom: Well, he’s always scrappy, Grace, he’s incredibly thin. He has to eat something.

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: Give this guy a sandwich.

Grace: Yeah, thirty.

Tom: Just a thirty-year-old living in the city.

Grace: (Singing) Just a small-town boy. (Speaking) What color are his eyes?

Tom: What color aren’t this eyes?

Grace: (Sigh)

Tom: Um…okay, Grace has typed “sex” for his eyes

Grace: (Laughter, typing)

Tom: “Sexy.” That’s…fine, yeah, yeah. Skin?

Grace: Generally…

Tom: Taut.

Grace: Ooh.

Tom: Tight.

Grace: Well, generally, goliaths have kind of like, a mottled grayish-blue…

Tom: Yeah. Can he have a tortoiseshell pattern? Like a pair of eyeglasses?

Grace: I’ll put “eyeglasses” for skin, and we’ll know what it means.

(Laughter)

Tom: Y’all will know…I mean, your DM will not.

Grace: You’ll talk about it with them. It’s important—guys, it’s important to have conversations with your DM, because otherwise—

Tom: (Overlapping) All right, all right, chill out, chill out, chill out.

Grace: It’s important to talk about it. What kind of hair does this lad have?

Tom: I don’t talk to my DM. My DM blocked me.

Grace: Generally, they’re kind of…um…bald. All of them.

Tom: Can he have a wig?

Grace: Oh, Tom, he can have a wig! Oh, yes!

Tom: Wait, actually—Grace, do you know those things where it’s like, kind of like a swim cap, but they have all those rubber tubes hanging off of them, like…

Grace: I know exactly what you’re talking about.

Tom: You know, like, party DJ’s will have them?

Grace: For hair, I’m gonna put “rubber tube hat.”

Tom: (Singsong) Rubber tube hat! (Speaking) I like the exclamation point. Character appearance!

Grace: Okay, so the thing about this character sheet is that I can’t, um, I have to drag a picture? And since I’m not going to draw this—

Tom: I’m gonna—let’s leave that to the fans.

Grace: Ooh, yeah, hey! If any of you guys have art of Longman “Urkgub” Good— (Laughter)

Tom: This is livestreaming, so you guys better get fucking going.

Grace: Yeah, if any of you guys have concept art, just send it our way.

Tom: Send it to us. Or just use it for your own campaign. Whatever—

Grace: Tom, everyone has stopped listening at this point. Everyone has—

Tom: Snapped their phone in half.

Grace: Everyone has left outside and gone to enjoy the real world.

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: Um, but we can—you can give me a brief description and I’ll just type it up in “Allies and Organizations.” He doesn’t have any allies or organizations.

Tom: No. Uh, brief description: lengthy. That’s the first bit.

(Typing sounds)

Tom: Oh, you did a little arrow there. That’s good. Lengthy. Period. Full stop. Okay—

(Laughter)

Tom: Don’t delete anything.

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: Don’t delete any of the typos—

Grace: Tom, I think that’s true. I think I shouldn’t delete anything for character appearance or backstory, because…

Tom: Yeah. Just do stream-of-consciousness, whatever comes out of the mouth. Uh—what’s next for character appearance. I’d like him to have just a normal nose, normal mouth…uh, beautiful smile. Like, white teeth, gorgeous, shining, like a Crest ad. I think he looks a little tired, with his eyes. I think he looks exhausted because he’s always on the street, and he’s running around, and he’s hiding in laundry baskets, and contorting. Um—I think he has a thicket of chest hair. And that’s the end of the description. He’s just got a real mane of chest hair.

Grace: Love that.

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: Does he wear clothes?

Tom: Uh…only when forced to. If he’s, you know, attending a party with friends that he doesn’t want to make uncomfortable.

Grace: I like that.

Tom: (Overlapping) He understands.

Grace: (Overlapping) Because he comes with a set of common clothes, but—like Barbie.

Tom: Kind of. A little like Barbie. Additional features—wait, let’s do backstory. Get your typing fingers ready.

Grace: Oh…I refuse to use any capital letters and grammar.

Tom: No, absolutely. This is just—

Grace: Oh, wait, Tom, before anything else: my saving throws are…um. Um, um…

Tom: Oh, now you’re just building up suspense, dude.

Grace: I think they’re Strength and Dexterity? But I need to check because people will yell at me on the internet.

Tom: Yeah. People on the computer will…be mean.

Grace: God, I’m such a fake D&D fan, Thomas.

Tom: God. Fucking coward.

Grace: Okay, what do you—no, they’re Strength and Constitution, aren’t they? Aren’t they?

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: (Singsong) Constitution, what are my fighting… (Speaking) Strength and Constitution. I’ll add all this later, like I said.

Tom: Yeah. Okay. That’s character appearance. Okay. Character backstory. What’s his name? Urkgub?

Grace: Yeah. Longman “Urkgub” Good.

Tom: Well, the name won’t really come up.

Grace: Urkgub.

Tom: Mr. Urkgub was born high in the mountains to his parents.

Grace: As you do.

Tom: Yeah. It was, um, a public affair, so—

Grace: The birth?

Tom: Yeah. So everyone was waiting around for this anticipated release. Of him.

(Laughter)

Grace: It’s like the iPhone. iPhone X.

Tom: Yeah, the iPhone Urkgub. Um, so, he…he really just sort of fell out. Like know when your charger cable or your headphones get tangled? That’s what he looked like. And then he slowly sort of untangled himself. You know. Uh, make sure to misspell tangled, like I mispronounced it. Uh—everyone was horrified, and they say—they said—

Grace: They say.

Tom: Fuck off. “I hate this freak. I hate this nasty freak.” So they balled him up again, tighter this time—

Grace: Oh no!

Tom: Tighter this time—but, you know, it didn’t really hurt him, because he’s really flexible.

Grace: He has a Constitution of twelve!

Tom: Yeah. And they threw him down the mountainside like a goddamn Superball. He bounced into the nearest town, fell perfectly in a dumpster, untangled himself, um, and began his life as an urchin.

Grace: Oh, man. So what’s he been up to for the past two years?

Tom: You mean thirty years? Because he—

(Laughter)

Tom: He was tossed pretty much on arrival. They were like, “Nah.” Um…he’s been up to, you know, getting, um…hold on. He saw some other urchins, and he was like, “Well, no one’s as unlucky as me, but these guys are pretty unlucky.” So he started stealing from all the rich people in the town—

Grace: Ooh.

Tom: —by hiding inside their laundry baskets and their horse carriages. And then he would sneak inside and steal all their belongings, and give them to his fellow urchins.

Grace: Oh, he gives it to them!

Tom: Yeah. They still don’t like him, because, like—they’re like, “I don’t trust the long man.”

Grace: Who would?

Tom: Yeah, like, “My mom and dad told me not to talk to the long man.”

Grace: So these urchins have parents? Because I’ve written them down as orphans.

Tom: Well, that’s…never mind, then. Never mind. Their parents don’t tell them, the other urchins.

Grace: Mm.

Tom: All right, um…

Grace: You gotta slow down this backstory.

Tom: Yeah, we have run out of space.

Grace: We have run out of space.

Tom: Uh…additional features and traits, I guess we could go to?

Grace: Yeah, I never really use this, but we could kind of go wild.

Tom: We could…I’d like to talk about tattoos.

Grace: Oh, that’s awesome, because Tom, look at this cool picture of a goliath—they kind of look like they have tattoos on their face!

Tom: Oh, that’s not what I’m talking about. Could you look up a picture of the Joker from Suicide Squad, please?

Grace: I sure can.

Tom: (Laughing) Grace—

Grace: I don’t want to, because now it’s going to be in my search history. Aw, this sucks—

Tom: (Overlapping, singing) Jared Leto.

Grace: (Overlapping) This sucks. Aww.

Tom: (Singing) Suicide Squad! (Speaking) Just pull up whichever one’s most high-res—oh. Oh, that’s him.

Grace: Fun, fun game for anyone listening at home: check out the third image of “Jared Leto Suicide Squad”—of “The Joker Suicide Squad”—

Tom: Or the fourth!

Grace: Lotta cosplay.

Tom: Ooh, lotta cosplay.

Grace: “Suicide Squad Adult Joker Wig.”

Tom: Can you change what he wears on his head?

(Laughter)

Grace: Yeah, I can change that to “Suicide Squad Adult Joker Wig.”

Tom: Suicide Squad Adult Joker Wig. You are gonna run out of space—oh, no you’re not!

Grace: It just gets real small.

Tom: “Suicide Squad Adult Joker Wig” in eight-point font. Um…all right, go back to Suicide Squad Joker pictures?

Grace: Yeah, sure. This is my life, I guess.

Tom: Actually, I don’t think this is going to be a feature thing, I think it’s going to be a trait. He really likes Suicide Squad.

Grace: I’ll add that, actually, to his character—um—

Tom: Flaws.

Grace: “Loves Suicide Squad.”

(Laughter)

Tom: Sorry to any of our fans that like Suicide Squad.

Grace: I’m not sorry.

Tom: You brought this on yourself.

Grace: That could also be a bond.

Tom: Bonded to his Suicide Squad DVD. It’s the one thing he stole and kept.

Grace: Yeah. “Loves his Suicide Squad DVD.”

Tom: The one thing he kept.

Grace: I’ll put that in his equipment, too. “Suicide Squad VHS.”

Tom: Mint condition. VHS?

(Laughter)

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: They burned one copy on VHS. It was for Jared Leto, and he stole it.

Grace: Is Jared Leto a goliath? Did he live—

Tom: No, Jared Leto lives in the city.

Grace: (Gasp) Tom, here’s the plot twist.

Tom: Lay it on me.

Grace: Around level 17, the DM’s like… (Quieter) …talking, and it’s like, “Who’s your dad?”

Tom: You gotta speak up.

Grace: (Quieter) Sorry, I’m getting real quiet, because it’s an important thing—

Tom: All right.

Grace: —real close to the microphone.

Tom: Not so close.

Grace: Getting real close.

Tom: Yep.

Grace: Shhhhhh-shh-shhh. (Laughter, incomprehensible) Level 17—

Tom: Get it out, you fool.

Grace: Guess who his dad is? He finds his dad, he’s been searching for his dad this whole time—it’s Jared Leto.

Tom: Not the Joker, Jared Leto.

Grace: Jared Leto. (Normal volume) Well, the Joker’s not real, Tom.

Tom: Oh, fuck, right, sorry.

(Laughter)

Grace: Don’t be such an idiot.

Tom: Shit.

Grace: God, this is such a fucking dumb podcast. We said it was for idiots at the start, and—

Tom: Yeah, I mean, only the idiots have stuck around.

Grace: Which means us, we’ve stuck around.

Tom: So, Jared Leto—um, is dad? Oh! Maybe his only tattoo is his dad’s initials.

Grace: JL!

Tom: And I don’t know how he learned that.

Grace: He has a tattoo with J—

Tom: Or maybe it’s a birthmark!

Grace: (Excited gasp)

Tom: It’s a birthmark! He has to fulfill the prophecy!

Grace: He has a birthmark spelling out JL. And he wonders, “What could this mean?”

Tom: We know what it means.

Grace: We know what it means, but not Urkgub.

Tom: Not Urkgub, Urkgub does not know.

Grace: Tom?

Tom: Well, I’d say this is pretty good. Spellcasting ability? Absolutely not.

Grace: I think we’ve done a good job here.

Tom: Yeah. So, all that’s left is for you to fill out that stuff, which we will do…

Grace: Yes, the boring math stuff—I’m going to give him an Inspiration point right here. You have Inspiration.

Tom: Because he’s inspiring?

Grace: Yeah, you’ve inspired me, yeah.

Tom: Sweet.

Grace: Tom, you don’t know what Inspiration fucking is, and—

Tom: I don’t.

Grace: I love it.

Tom: But I’m inspired.

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: My creative juices are flowing.

Grace: My creative juices are just gushing out of me.

Tom: Ugh. Well.

Grace: Like blood! Get the (mispronounced) tourniquet on me!

Tom: …Tourniquent?

(Laughter)

Tom: I think it’s tourniquet, but also, like, what a…God, we have to end this fucking episode, this is audio poison.

Grace: We do have to end it.

Tom: All right, so, let’s plug our stuff! What are we gonna plug?

Grace: We have a Twitter! Um, I just made this Twitter, let’s see if I can remember the…

Tom: Oh, you can’t.

Grace: It is “Tools—“

Tom: Oh! Our account just got locked!

Grace: (Quiet) What.

Tom: Our account has been locked between the time we started this podcast—

(Hysterical laughter)

Tom: Jesus fucking Christ!

Grace: This is not a bit—

Tom: This isn’t a bit! We go to Twitter and it just says “Your account has been locked.” But the—

Grace: We exhibited unusual activity!

Tom: Yeah, you’re fucking right! We’re about to exhibit more once we unlock this shit!

Grace: Tom, we—is it because I didn’t give us a profile picture? We were gonna do that later!

Tom: Yeah, probably! But, okay, um—oh, so this is a good time to plug—

Grace: God, Twitter can’t fucking deal with the Nazis, but they dealt with “Starting Tools” immediately!

Tom: They dealt with “Starting Tools” so quick! All right, so, our @ is @ToolsStarting—we did not have the StartingTools—

Grace: Or the StartingPod or StartingToolsPod or—

Tom: ToolsPod, StartPod, it was all taken—so we’re @ToolsStarting, or Starting Tools…

Grace: We’re going to post the character sheet here, as well as the episode, and the place to find the episode. You can find us on…

Tom: We don’t know what we’re gonna be posted on yet.

Grace: You’ll find us. Google “Starting Tools Pod”—

Tom: We’ll tweet shit. We’re going to be the only result, because no one else is dumb enough.

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: We have to go unlock our account, but thank you for listening, if anyone did—

Grace: Hey, yeah, thank you so much for listening. If you ended up listening, that’s really nice of you! And, um—

Tom: And if you end up using this sheet in your own D&D game, thank you so much! Because it’s going to ruin your DM’s, like, week.

Grace: We’ve made a broken character. But he’s still playable.

Tom: I’d like you to capitalize “saucepan hands.” And that’s, I think, the last action we need to take on this.

Grace: All caps?

Tom: All caps. Well, no—I think every other letter.

Grace: Okay. (Typing sounds) Hold on. They’re gonna listen to this.

Tom: Yeah. Really aggressive keystrokes.

Grace: Aha.

Tom: Saucepan hands. They can hold hot, hot soup.

Grace: I’m not putting that in. That’s up for imagination, I think.

Tom: Yeah, I think—we’re going to leave the rest to you good people.

Grace: Yeah. To you good folks out there. Um…do we have a sign off?

Tom: Um. We’re sorry?

Grace: “Thanks for listening to Starting Tools, we’ve been the tools?”

(Laughter)

Tom: Christ.

Grace: Tom, we made a bad podcast.

Tom: This isn’t a good podcast.

Grace: Well, I gotta go unlock our Twitter account. This sucks.

Tom: All right. Shit.

Grace: All right, thanks for listening to Starting Tools, we’ve been the tools! Say bye, Tom!

Tom: Bye. Bye, Tom.

(Laughter)

Tom: Fucking got ’em.

(Outro music: Minor Apprehension by Jackie McLean)

 

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