Episode 02 Transcript

(Intro music: Minor Apprehension by Jackie McLean)

Grace: Hello, and welcome to Starting Tools, a D&D podcast for fools. I am your co-host, Grace.

Tom: I’m your other co-host, Tom. So…I think we should start off with just a little reflection. What went wrong last episode that we’re working on?

Grace: Everything went wrong. Everything went poorly, really.

Tom: No, I mean, we made a bad guy to look at, for sure.

Grace: Well, he was chaotic good. Let’s not, you know, cast aspersions—

Tom: No, yeah, that’s what I’m getting to, here. See, he was really bad visually, because of his thin, thin limbs and long figure.

Grace: That’s true.

Tom: But morally, he seemed like a real stand-up guy—and, quite frankly, a giver. And I would love to eradicate that part.

Grace: Oh, you kind of want to make kind of a bad guy. Kind of a villain.

Tom: Yeah, maybe, like—

Grace: In wrestling terms, the heel?

Tom: Yeah. Oh, he’s gonna be a whole foot.

(Laughter)

Tom: Could I suggest: A, that’s his character name, a whole foot.

Grace: Whole foot?

Tom: At least a placeholder.

Grace: I’ll just type it in for now.

Tom: A whole foot. And maybe, could I suggest a sort of switcheroo where we do, like, a Dorian Gray situation? He’s very good to look at—

Grace: (Sigh)

Tom: —but, like, he shoplifts from small businesses.

Grace: Interesting. Just kind of a bastard.

Tom: Yeah. He really does, like, the stuff you’d expect a fellow like Urkgub to do.

Grace: Just a real motherfucker.

Tom: Yeah, no. So…

Grace: I do like that.

Tom: What’s, like, a real good-looking class?

Grace: Um…anything Elvish. Well, classes—classes, they can be whatever. But anything Elvish? I think half-elves—I’m going to use our good friends D&D Beyond…

Tom: D&D Beyond, sponsor us…

Grace: So, you can do a half-elf? Half-elves get a +2 to Charisma, I believe.

Tom: Oh, well, he’s gonna—

Grace: Yes. And you get two other ability score increases. But I’m wondering about elves…

Tom: Well, what’s interesting about Dorian Gray is that people knew he sucked. So I don’t think this guy’s too charismatic.

Grace: Ohh. But really good-looking, still?

Tom: Good-looking. Is there any separation there, where he can suck, but also be hot? Like…

Grace: I mean, I think we all know that people can suck and be hot. And you can still be charmed by them.

Tom: Okay, fine, yeah. Charisma, sure. So is that half-elf or elf?

Grace: Uh, half-elf.

Tom: Let’s do half-elf! Let’s get in there.

Grace: I don’t really like half-elves because they’re always so, like…angsty about, you know, their whole situation.

Tom: Yeah, well, this guy sucks.

Grace: Yeah, he does suck. I like him. Yeah.

Tom: If you play a half-elf, um…

Grace: Sorry you suck.

Tom: Yeah, stop listening.

Grace: No, sorry, that’s not true. I mean…

Tom: You’re out of luck. So this guy is Lawful Evil.

Grace: Ohh.

Tom: Because he functions within the law.

Grace: And if we don’t like this, we can change it later, because, you know, alignment can change throughout the game

Tom: Yeah, yeah.

Grace: You might do something shitty, and now you’re Chaotic Neutral rather than Chaotic Good. Yeah, let’s start this guy as a full bastard.

Tom: Player name…we should probably put this one under mine.

Grace: Yeah. I think I want to blame you for all of these.

Tom: Yeah, they’re not—I mean, you’re an enabler.

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: So…what do we do here? Let’s start with age. I’m gonna, just…kind of try to flip all the things. We decided age, like, last time…they live much longer than humans, often exceeding 180 years. Let’s make him… (Snap) 200 years. Dorian Gray lived a little extra, didn’t he? Yeah.

Grace: A little extra.

Tom: A little extra. So let’s make this fucker 200 years old.

Grace: So, here’s the thing: I’m totally fine with us doing weird things to characters.

Tom: Mhm.

Grace: But, you know, how is he 200? How did that work? Maybe he sold his soul or something.

Tom: Sold his soul.

Grace: (Overlapping) Like Dorian Gray. Well, warlocks kind of do sell a piece of—they make an agreement with some kind of otherworldly beast. It can be an eldritch abomination—

Tom: (Overlapping) All right.

Grace: —it can be, um…yeah.

Tom: So this guy made a deal with something. And you don’t like warlocks, if I remember correctly, so…

Grace: (Sigh) They’re interesting.

Tom: That’s what you say when you hate someone.

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: Okay, you just almost spelled “warcock” there.

(Laughter)

Tom: Continue.

Grace: Warcock level one.

Tom: A Freudian slip, of all things. Um…background. What’s, like, the scummiest background we can give this guy?

Grace: Well, let’s not be afraid to make up backgrounds.

Tom: Mm.

Grace: I don’t know. What sort of—

Tom: I think he stages, uh, like, poor people fights.

(Laughter)

Grace: (Overlapping) Ooh.

Tom: (Overlapping) Maybe, is there any background that does that? Where he’s, like, wealthy, but a real dink? Charlatan, that kind of…

Grace: Yeah, he can be a charlatan who’s favorite scam is getting poor people to fight.

Tom: Yeah. This guy’s kind of classist.

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: Elitist.

Grace: Yeah, I like that!

Tom: So…

Grace: (Typing sounds) Charlatan.

Tom: I don’t really have a solid definition of charlatan. Lay it on me. “You always have a way with people, you know what makes them tick…” Yeah, that’s—

Grace: It’s basically somebody who scams people to get money.

Tom: Just a nasty scam man.

Grace: Yeah, just a scam man. You might, like, cheat, might—I don’t know, forge documents…

Tom: Ooh, favorite schemes! There’s a whole, like, favorite schemes section.

Grace: Yeah! But our favorite scheme, I think, is, um, just getting—just getting people to fight.

Tom: Yeah. I like to stage fights all over the city, and I want everything to just, sort of…

Grace: I like that.

Tom: …be wild and bad all the time.

Grace: So, with the Charlatan background, we get a feature, which is “False Identity.” Um, which means you have a full-on false identity with papers and stuff.

Tom: Okay, uh…his false identity…

(Laughter)

Tom: Do I have to come up with that now?

Grace: You could.

Tom: Uh…we don’t know what his name, like, is, yet…

Grace: (Quietly) Elon Musk.

(Laughter)

Tom: This is an anti-Musk podcast.

Grace: This is an anti-Musk podcast, yes.

Tom: Pay your workers, please. Um…we should make—whatever his name ends up being, his false identity should just be “Not That.”

(Laughter)

Grace: Yeah. That name with one of the letters switched around.

Tom: Yeah, it’s like Stefan Urquelle.

Grace: Exactly. (Laughter) Stefan Urquelle…no, we can’t make another Urkel.

Tom: We, like—we’re gonna get sued by Jaleel—

Grace: (Overlapping) By Stefan Urquelle himself.

Tom: Jaleel White is gonna bust down our door.

Grace: So, um, one thing that we’re definitely—we’re good on—is that we know he’s a half-elf.

Tom: Yeah. So…

Grace: So…base walking speed 30 feet. We get Darkvision—

Tom: Is that—I can just see in the dark?

Grace: Uh, for—you can see in dim light within 30 feet of you as if it were bright light, and darkness as if it were dim light. And you also have advantage on saving throws against being charmed, and magic can’t put you to sleep.

Tom: Yeah, dude, I never take naps.

Grace: Yeah. Half-elf is…awesome. You also get skill versatility in two skills of your choice.

Tom: Okay—

Grace: (Overlapping) Oh, do you want to do, um, ability scores now?

Tom: Yeah, let’s go for that, because we need to do some rolling. This is what people are here for.

Grace: (Overlapping) I’ll just be rolling.

(Dice rolling over the next few minutes)

Tom: The good sounds.

Grace: The ASMR.

Tom: Yeah, so…I see that I can speak Common, Elvish, and one other language, so…uh…what are some languages I can do here?

Grace: Oh, man, off the top of my head…you can speak, like, some demon-type language. Like, Abyssal, I think, is one of them? Uh, uh…I don’t know. I need to pull up a list of languages.

Tom: Let’s see. I don’t know. Um—

Grace: Well, who do you want to be able to speak to? Think about that.

Tom: Other shitheads. Who are the shit—the shittiest?

Grace: Goblins suck.

Tom: GOBLINS! I’m speaking Goblin language.

Grace: You want to speak Goblin? That’s good.

Tom: I think I just peaked our audio when I screamed “goblins.”

Grace: Yeah, that’ll do it.

Tom: Yeah. Um…yeah, speaking Goblin. Is there, um, a special name for it, or is it just…

Grace: (Overlapping) I think it’s just Goblin.

Tom: Goblin language.

(Laughter)

Grace: As far as I know.

Tom: Goblin words, and sounds…

Grace: Goblinfolk.

Tom: And, uh—

Grace: I’m getting an unholy amount of fours over here, by the way.

Tom: (Overlapping) Yeah, that’s good, because—oh my God, stop getting threes, please!

Grace: Yeah, threes and fours make up most of this. Um—but I do have the ability scores—

Tom: (Overlapping) That’s good stuff. Read out the scores, please, I’d love to hear them.

Grace: Lower than last time, but still good for level one. None in the negatives. We have a twelve, an eleven, a sixteen, a twelve, a thirteen, and an eleven.

Tom: Aw, nuts. Um…okay. Wait, wouldn’t—what is that, is that a one?

Grace: Yeah, that’s a one.

Tom: Oh, okay, I thought it was a four.

Grace: No, no, you eliminate the lowest score.

Tom: Right. So—

Grace: Well, the lowest number from the four that you rolled.

Tom: Let’s do those stats. Oh, yeah—add those languages in. Stats. I don’t think this guy is very strong, because he never fights, himself.

Grace: Oh, interesting.

Tom: We’re making a lot of weak boys on this, but that’s just where my creative juices—

Grace: (Overlapping) Yeah, we’ll make some strong boys, don’t worry about it.

Tom: (Overlapping) Yeah, we’ve got plenty of time. Um…so, yeah. Strength: what’s the lowest one?

Grace: Our lowest—we have two elevens.

Tom: Yeah, give me one of those elevens.

Grace: (Overlapping) Which is not horrifically slow.

Tom: (Overlapping) Which is a zero. You mean…weak?

Grace: Yeah. It’s—yeah. Horrifically weak, yeah.

Tom: Um, Dexterity—I like handsy boys, but I feel like people are going to get angry at us, so let’s give him—

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): —just a twelve.

Grace: Okay.

Tom: Plus one, right?

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: See, I’m learning! I’m learning D&D now.

Grace: Yeah, you’re kind of an expert.

Tom: Constitution: I gotta imagine that this guy gets his ass kicked a lot, so let’s give him that sixteen.

Grace: Sixteen—oh, you want him to be strong, I like it. Um, I am just gonna let you know: sometimes there are preferable scores that you want to give certain classes. Like, for example, a warlock has proficiency—uh, saving throws—

Tom: (Overlapping) I’m gonna stop you—

Grace: (Overlapping) —as far as—well, one of them is—

(Laughter)

Grace (cont’d): Like, you know—Constitution, it’s important to anyone. But, like, you wouldn’t want to give your warlock especially high Strength, maybe. Because they don’t need to be super buff.

Tom: Oh, wait, we are kind of making a slippery boy. So should we put the sixteen as Charisma?

Grace: And Charisma is important for a warlock, yeah!

Tom: But I am also going to interject and tell you that nothing about this podcast, in general, is preferable!

(Laughter)

Grace: Yeah…

Tom: The word itself is—

Grace: It’s a misnomer, yeah, for us, yeah.

Tom: Yeah. It’s out of line to assume—bold of you to assume that we’re gonna make anything preferable.

Grace: No, it’s pretty bad.

Tom: Yeah, so…Constitution…this feels—oh, he still gets his ass kicked a lot. So, thirteen, I guess?

Grace: I think that’s a good idea. Thirteen is a good ability score to have, you know.

Tom: Intelligence—

Grace: Whoa! Oh. I just zoomed out, sorry.

Tom: Grace almost deleted everything.

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: So what do we have here. An eleven, a twelve—you’re just typing “three” a lot, I notice.

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: Hm.

(Beeping “You Typed Too Many Threes, Dipshit” sound from the laptop.)

Grace: So we have a twelve and an eleven left.

Tom: Twelve—

Grace: (Overlapping) I mean, no, no we have—what do we have left?

Tom: Twelve and an eleven.

Grace: Oh, yeah, yeah. We just got a lot of those.

Tom: Oh, wait, no—no? Yes. Uh—Intelligence. I guess he’s smart? A twelve?

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: But he’s not wise. Oh, he’s so hubristic! So, let’s give him that…

Grace: Yeah. So we have—okay. Eleven in Strength, twelve in Dex, thirteen in Constitution, uh, twelve in Intelligence, eleven in Wisdom, sixteen in Charisma. So this is a…

Tom: Likable fellow.

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: Uh…what are we…what’s happening? What’s next?

Grace: Our speed is thirty.

Tom: Speed. He’s a…a normal boy…

Grace: (Overlapping) Would you like to power through all the half-elf stuff so we can close out of this tab?

Tom: Yeah, let’s go.

Grace: So, for Skill Versatility, which is a half-elf trait, you get proficiency in two skills of your choice.

Tom: Okay, give me some skills. Give me some slimy skills.

Grace: I’m not going to list all of the skills—

Tom: (Overlapping) Yeah, okay, I’ll take a look. Uh…Persuasion. Let’s do it.

Grace: Yeah, yeah, because he’s slimy.

Tom: And he really likes making those poor people fights.

Grace: (Overlapping) Yeah.

Tom: (Overlapping) He says, “Do it, poor people!”

Grace: I hate him. (Laughter) Last time we made kind of a lovable boy—

Tom: (Overlapping) He sucks.

Grace: —this guy kind of just sucks.

Tom: This guy never tips. Period.

Grace: Oh, yeah.

Tom: This guy doesn’t tip at all. Um, yeah. Add that to—

Grace: (Overlapping) I’m gonna put that in Flaws.

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: Or is it—

Tom: Ideals! It’s an ideal. Doesn’t believe in tipping.

Simultaneously: “I never tip.”

Tom: Not once.

(Laughter)

Tom: Okay, so, Persuasion. Yeah. Probably…Deception? He’s a sneaky boy.

Grace: Yeah, he’s a bastard. I hate him. Oh, actually, let’s check what the ability scores we get, I mean the skills we get for—

Tom: Charlatan?

Grace: So, Charlatan, you get Deception and Sleight of Hand. So since—you already used Deception, so…what other skills do you want?

Tom: Let’s do, uh…you know what? Let’s go…Survival. Because—

Grace: (Overlapping, laughter) Oh, I like it.

Tom: —he does get his ass kicked a lot.

Grace: He needs to survive, yeah.

Tom: No, yeah, he’s very persuasive, but when that doesn’t work, he gets—thumped.

Grace: That’s a good idea. Good.

Tom: “Good” is not the word.

Grace: And that’s, I think, all we need from half-elf.

Tom: All right, buh-bye.

Grace: Do you want to dig into his background first?

Tom: (Overlapping) Oh, I’ve got my fork and knife in.

Grace: (Overlapping) Or his warlock abilities first?

Tom: Let’s go to charl—charlatan.

Grace: Charlatan?

Tom: The Charleston.

(Laughter)

Tom: So let’s go, let’s go. What do we do here?

Grace: Oh. So, you get proficiencies in two sets of tools, which are the Disguise Kit and the Forgery Kit, which is useful because he has a secret identity.

Tom: Yep. Which is—it’s incredibly weak, but it works.

Grace: Yep. (Typing) Disguise Kit…and…Forgery Kit.

Tom: This guy, um, he forges—he also just runs a fake ID business.

Grace: Oh, I love that!

Tom: Which is, like, morally questionable in a different way. It’s not as bad as making, uh, poor people fight for your amusement—

(Laughter)

Grace: This is, like, a fun debate. Like, what’s really worse? It kind of makes you question—this is kind of like a Star Trek moralistic argument—

Tom: (Overlapping) I think it’s the poor people fighting, Grace.

Grace: Well, you know, you really gotta think about it. It’s like, what’s worse? And we think about cultural boundaries.

Tom: Wow.

Grace: Wow.

(Laughter)

Tom: Really makes you think.

Grace: So, for your equipment, you get a set of fine clothes, a disguise kit—

Tom: Wait, I’m gonna stop you really quick. I’d like a Gucci tracksuit. So just write that—

Grace: Oh, instead of fine clothes?

Tom: Well, that is fine clothes.

Grace: Okay.

Tom: Gucci tracksuit. Weight: zero. It’s light silk.

Grace: Yeah. God. Um—a disguise kit, which we already have, tools of the con of your choice—

Tom: I thought that said corn.

Grace: Tools of the corn of your choice!

Tom: Okay, so…

Grace: What tools do you need to make people fight?

Tom: I’d probably supply some basic weapons to them, because that’s the kind of scumbag I am. I don’t want this to be a fistfight.

Grace: Here’s the thing, though: that could make you overpowered. What if you just have a bag of knives? Could we make it a bag of sporks?

(Laughter)

Tom: God. I’m starting to think you’ve done this. Yeah, it’s a bag of sporks.

Grace: Bag of fifteen sporks, to make it not overpowered.

Tom: That’s enough.

(Laughter)

Grace: And you also get fifteen gold pieces, so, kind of moving up in the world.

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: 15 gp, boys.

Tom: I say that there’s going to be a 15 gp reward, and then I just run away.

Grace: Yeah. He loves the number fifteen. It keeps on appearing.

Tom: Maybe that’s his, um, his whole thing.

Grace: His whole thing is that he likes the number fifteen?

Tom: It’s not a good thing. We’re—we’ll get to it.

(Laughter)

Tom: Um…

Grace: Well…you know that it’s time for—

Tom: (Overlapping) Oh, Suggested Characteristics!

Grace: Suggested Characteristics!

Tom: The worst part of the show! We should have theme music for this.

Grace: Yeah, theme music, where it’s just somebody screaming “God.”

Tom: (Like two seconds of upbeat music)

Grace: “God, why has God abandoned us, God, Jesus.” So—I’m gonna roll this d8 twice.

(Dice rolling)

Tom: All right.

Grace: We get a two, and a five.

Tom: So, two. “I have a joke for every occasion—”

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): “—especially occasions where humor is inappropriate.” I’m taking our sticky note pad and I’m gonna write down some jokes that you would tell at poor people fights.

Grace: God. We can’t. “I lie about everything, even when there’s no good reason to.” I love that.

Tom: Just like…God, what’s a good thing.

Grace: A good joke? Or a good—

Tom: “How are you enjoying your dinner tonight?” “It’s great. I love it.”

(Laughter)

Grace: Well, that’s just kind of—a good social skill.

Tom: Yeah, but he still doesn’t tip, so…

Grace: Yeah, that’s fair. Ideals.

Tom: (Overlapping)At this point, he’s just fucking with them.

Grace: Would you like another ideal, other than not tipping?

Tom: I mean, yeah, sure, but like…

(Dice rolling)

Grace: Three. “I distribute the money I acquire to the people who really need it.

(Laughter)

Grace (cont’d): Not this bitch!

Tom: Roll again!

(Dice rolling)

Grace: Three again!

(Laughter)

Tom: Fucking…!

Grace: These threes!

(Dice rolling)

Grace (cont’d) That’s a five.

Tom: “Material g—” Aww, these are all the cute ones! “Material goods come and go, bonds of friendship last forever.”

Grace: Who would be friends with this guy?

Tom: (Overlapping) I should have one scummy friend.

Grace: (Overlapping) Maybe he has friends.

Tom: His name is, like…

Grace: Fucker. I kind of like that he has a friend.

Tom: His name is, uh…Shitty Dex.

(Laughter)

Grace: Shitty, shitty—sorry, what?

Tom: His name is Shitty Dex. You heard me.

Grace: Okay. I like that.

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: I’m gonna put in Bonds, “I have a friend, Shitty Dex.”

Tom: Yeah. “I have one friend.” Make sure to specify one friend. Hold on, I gotta work on my jokes over here. I’ll be…

Grace: “I would do anything for Shitty Dex, my very good friend.”

Tom: “I’d die for Shitty Dex.”

(Prolonged typing)

Grace: Flaws.

(Dice rolling)

Grace (cont’d): Six. “I hate to admit it and will hate myself for it, but I’ll run and preserve my own hide if the going gets tough.”

Tom: Oh, he loves that about himself.

(Laughter)

Grace: “…and will love myself for it.” I hate— “I love to admit it and will love myself for it, but…”

(Laughter)

Tom: That’s just not good sentence structure. “I will love myself for it.”

Grace: He’s a big fan of self-love.

Tom: And self-preservation.

Grace: Yeah, self-care.

Tom: Self-care is running away after, like, people turn the sporks on you. (Sudden) I can’t think of any good poor people jokes! I’m a hack!

Grace: Maybe you shouldn’t tell any on this podcast.

Tom: Um… “Man, last time, I uh…guess—guess you want me to spork over that cash now.”

(Long silence)

Grace: Yeah, I mean—and then he just runs and then just knifes them?

Tom: Does he?

Grace: I don’t know!

Tom: I don’t think he kills them at the end, I think he just fucks with them!

Grace: He’s Lawful Evil.

Tom: That’s not very lawful!

(Laughter)

Grace: Well, depends on what the laws of the land are.

Tom: We should make him Neutral Evil, honestly.

Grace: Yeah, and he just fucking hates everyone.

Tom: Neutral Evil. There you go. Because, you know, I don’t think poor people fights are strictly lawful.

Grace: Yeah. So for our hit dice, as a warlock, we get—at first level we get 1d8 plus our Con modifier, which we made relatively high—no, it’s just a one.

Tom: I’d like to clarify that what he calls poor people fights—it’s anyone who makes—

Grace: (Overlapping) Less than him.

Tom: (Overlapping) —less than two million a year.

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): I dunno what the D&D translation is there, but…

Grace: Shit ton of gold.

Tom: It’s pretty much from upper middle class to lower class—it’s just anyone.

Grace: Yeah, he’s like, getting two bankers to fight, and it’s like… “I have a family. I do have a house. I…”

Tom: “I make six figures a year, this isn’t…I don’t think I’m technically…” And he’s like “Shut up, here’s your spork!”

Grace: They don’t kill each other, do they?

Tom: Oh my God, that is weak, huh?

Grace: Yeah, he has nine hit points right now.

Tom: Ooh.

Grace: Which is not horrible, at first—again, one day we’ll play a sorcerer or a wizard or something, and you’ll…yeah.

Tom: It’s bad?

Grace: All right, starting proficiencies, we get Light Armor and Simple Weapons. And choose two skills from Arcana, Deception, History, Intimidation, Investigation, and Religion. And hey, we get no starting tools!

Tom: Oh, great.

Grace: Yeah. That’s the name of our podcast!

Tom: Nice! (Whistle) All right—

Grace: That’s a slide whistle, in case you guys couldn’t see the visual.

Tom: Yeah. History—I think I’m a big history buff.

Grace: Oh, I love that! Big into, like the Civil War?

Tom: No, I like the Civil War, but for the wrong reasons.

(Laughter)

Grace: Yeah, you’re big into World War II, but, like…only for the planes and stuff.

(Laughter)

Tom: I collect German memorabilia and I have no idea the weight it carries.

(Laughter)

Grace: Okay, so I gave you a History proficiency, and…

Tom: Simple Weapons. He carries a musket. No, what’s my equipment?

Grace: Well, you need to choose another skill.

Tom: Oh! Um…Investigation. Because I always—I love investigating history.

Grace: Yeah. Kind of…yeah. Wow, I love how we’re kind of taking a twist on this guy. Like, he’s a horrible person, but he does love history.

Tom: Yeah, he’s got layers. I think he’s a horrible person and he likes history. It’s not mutually exclusive.

Grace: Um…so you can get a light crossbow, or any simple weapon.

Tom: Let’s go simple weapons, because I think he’s…

Grace: Yeah, let’s go to the weapons list. I love the weaponry in this game.

Tom: I think he probably collects some memorabilia from old stuff. Simple weapons.

Grace: True. Okay.

Tom: Wait, could you scroll down real quick?

Grace: Well—you’re into martial weapons at this point, but we might get to that later.

Tom: (Disappointed sound)

Grace: You could get a sickle.

Tom: I do want a sickle.

Grace: (Laughing) For 1d4 slashing damage.

Tom: Shut up. Um…(Laughing) I think he should just have a club.

Grace: Oh, I love it. Oh, that’s 1d4 bludgeoning damage. We’re choosing some weak weapons here.

Tom: Yeah, I want him to die. Immediately. Like, if anyone is bad enough to play this character, I think they deserve to get killed pretty quickly.

Grace: That’s fair.

Tom: So we’re figuring out these stats from Roll20 dot net.

Grace: Roll20 dot gov.

Tom: Our sponsor.

Grace: Club…the attack bonus is strength, so—did we even give him strength? That’s plus zero.

Tom: No. Aww.

Grace: 1d4 bludgeoning damage.

Tom: Ooh, is this—this is not gonna be good, huh?

(Laughter)

Grace: Um, and we also get a component pouch, or an arcane focus.

Tom: What’s an—what is—what is an arcane focus?

Grace: It’s like wizard shit.

Tom: All right, let’s do some wizard shit.

Grace: I mean, warlock shit, warlock shit.

Tom: Let’s do some magic. We didn’t do any magic last time.

Grace: Well, component pouch is, like—it has all the stuff that you need for your spells? Except for ones that have, like, a specific cost. Like, for example, a lot of ranger spells are like, “You need…a leaf of mistletoe and some…elm.” But like, there are some—wizard spells, for example, are kind of expensive a lot of the time? “You need a diamond worth 25 gp.” So the component pouch would have everything he needs in it.

Tom: Oh, okay, sure, let’s do that.

Grace: Um…arcane focus…I’ve never played a warlock before. This is very…

Tom: This is new ground for both of us.

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: Wow.

(Laughter)

Grace: (Overlapping) Wow, I think we’re all learning something—

Tom: (Overlapping) Just another crazy day on the cast, you guys. On the #ToolsCast. That’s our official…

Grace: Yeah, #ToolsCast. God, I hope that’s not a thing already. Oh, would you like a scholar’s pack, or a dungeoneer’s pack?

Tom: I’m a scholar, I like history!

Grace: Yeah, you get ten sheets of parchment, a little bag of sand—

(Laughter)

Tom: That’s his name!

Grace: A little bag of sand! Call him Sandy.

Tom: Li’l Sand—Li’l Sandbag.

Grace: (Typing) Li’l…

Tom: Li’l Bag Of Sand.

Grace: Li’l Sandy…Li’l Bag—

Tom: Aww!

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): No, I like Li’l Sandy!

Grace: Li’ Sandy!

Tom: He sounds like one of the Apple Dumplin’ Gang.

Grace: He is.

Tom: And then his—we need to put down the alter-ego—Not Li’l Sandy.

(Laughter)

Grace: Not Li’l Sandy…

Tom: False Identity.

Grace: Oh. (Typing) Sil Landy.

Tom: Sil Landy. Awful.

Grace: Awful. Shit.

Tom: It sounds like an actual name that would be in the game.

Grace: Yeah, exactly. “Sil” is kind of, like, a D&D—like Sif, you know—

Tom: Well, that’s syphilis, Grace.

Grace: No, Sif is from Thor!

Tom: All right, we’re going to get, fucking—

Grace: (Overlapping) We need to go—

Tom: (Overlapping) We’re going to get DCMA’d!

Grace: We gotta go, we gotta go! We get leather armor, which gives us an armor class of eleven plus our Dexterity. So that’s good, we got, uh, a Dexterity of one…we got a twelve armor class. God, we’re gonna get so much shit beat out of us.

Tom: Yeah, no, we are weak, weak boys.

Grace: Our Dexterity is one, so our initiative is one…

Tom: Aw.

Grace: Nah, it’s good, we get a one added to our initiative.

Tom: Great.

Grace: Leather armor, add that to our items…and now you get…

Tom: What else do I get?

Grace: Two simple weapons—oh no, any simple weapon and two daggers.

Tom: (Singing) Two daggers!

Grace: (Singing) Two daggers! Oh, and it’s finesse, so we can add our, uh, uh, uh, Dexterity.

Tom: The one good thing we have. Oh wait, no, that’s not even the good one, it’s Charisma that’s good!

Grace: Yeah, we do have a plus one to Dex, though.

Tom: I’m so used to the handsy fellow.

Grace: Well, the good news—here’s why we gave our warlock such high charisma—it’s because the spellcasting modifier is Charisma.

Tom: All right.

Grace: Cool.

Tom: I don’t buy it.

Grace: Well…

(Laughter)

Tom: Seems like bullshit.

Grace: Um, so, what kind of simple…

Tom: Simple weapons? I’d like some more useless, like, wholly useless—

Grace: Would you like a ranged weapon?

Tom: Uh, can I get a dart?

(Laughter)

Grace: Sure, you want a fucking dart?

Tom: Can I get a dart?

Grace: You want a dart, for fucking— (Laughter) Tom, we can get any goddamn simple weapon we want—

Tom: I’d like— (Close to mic) I’d like a dart.

Grace: I hate this. I hate this character.

Tom: Can I please get a dart?

Grace: Do you get one? Do you want a fucking single dart?

Tom: Yeah, like a fucking Wall Street guy is approaching him, and he’s like, “Back, poor person!” and he throws a single dart and runs.

(Laughter)

Grace: I think this is a finesse weapon as well. Yeah. Get a plus one to that one.

Tom: Great.

Grace: 1d4…so we have no weapons that go above 1d4.

Tom: No, no, absolutely fucking not.

Grace: (Overlapping) Goddamn.

Tom: (Overlapping) The max amount of damage we can do is five, if I’m doing my math correctly.

Grace: (Quiet) Yep. (Sigh)

Tom: All right, wait, do I get another simple weapon?

Grace: No, you used up all your goddamn simple weapons.

Tom: Aw. Aw, well, I’ve got all the weapons I need, I think.

(Laughter)

Grace: I hate this.

Tom: No, he’s good and fine.

Grace: Oh man, Tom, so now we get—

Tom: Do we get spells?

Grace: Now we get to choose our otherworldly patron.

Tom: Oh, wait, do I get a god?!

Grace: That was way too loud. You’re so excited about this.

Tom: What’s the one that sucks?!

(Laughter)

Grace: We can make up our own. So, first level—

Tom: Yeah?

Grace: I kind of said that, and then I regretted it—

Tom: Yeah, no, you have opened a fucking can of worms.

Grace: I tried to power through. I just want to read you the basic rules. So: “At first level, you have struck a bargain—Tom is reaching for the sticky note. Tom is uncapping the pen. Tom is writing. Tom is writing…

Tom: I’m doing some…

Grace: Tom is writing.

Tom: No, you keep talking, I’m just gonna be…

Grace: Okay. So. “At first level, you have struck a bargain with an otherworldly being of your choice, such as The Fiend.” Let me open that up in a new tab. “Your choice grants you features at first level, and again at sixth, tenth, and fourteenth level”—which we don’t have to worry about because we’re not going to play this guy.

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: So you get, uh…through this pact, you get some cool stuff…our spell save DC is eight, plus our proficiency bonus, plus our charisma modifier…and our spell attack modifier is our proficiency bonus plus the charisma modifier. So it’s good that we pumped that charisma modifier full. Um…(Incomprehensible) I’m just editing in this page right now.

Tom: All right, you do you. I’m just working on, uh, something.

Grace: Yeah…yeah.

Tom: Yeah.

Grace: (Mumbling) Eight plus proficiency modifier…two plus charisma…thirteen.

Tom: All right. (Laughing) I’ve got the name of my deity.

Grace: Yeah, what do you want it to be?

Tom: Uh…his name is “Eep Si Derots Ni Eht Sllab.” Which, of course, when you read it backwards…

Grace: (Sigh) Yeah.

Tom: …is “Pee Is Stored In The Balls.”

Grace: How about we call him Sllab?

Tom: Sllab with two L’s. As it is spelled.

Grace: Yeah. (Alternate pronunciation) Sllab.

Tom: Sllllllab.

Grace: Oh, man, we don’t get to get Eldritch Invocations yet, because we’re not level two! Damn it!

Tom: (Overlapping) Aw, nuts! Aw, beans!

Grace: (Overlapping) No, it’s fine. Aw, beans.

Tom: It’s not like we’re going really well for any of the other, like, rules.

Grace: No, no.

Tom: Right?

Grace: So our deity is (alternate pronunciation) Sllab. I like that.

Tom: It’s pronounced Sllab.

Grace: Sllab.

Tom: Sllllllab.

Grace: Sllllllab. I have a question—I dunno, I kind of want to—

Tom: (Overlapping) You almost forgot his name.

Grace: Yeah, listen. If we’re gonna flesh out this warlock—

Tom: Oh, he’s all flesh, Grace!

(Laughter)

Grace: If we’re gonna do some worldbuilding here, if we’re gonna make our own gods, I think we gotta, uh—

Tom: That should be in the background.

Grace: Yeah, yeah, it will be. We’ll get to, like, how he met this deity and made his deal with it. But I just kind of want to know, like—what’s Sllab’s deal? Like, is he a bad guy?

Tom: Oh, he’s just the worst. He’s the sleaziest dude you can imagine. He’s like, you know that old thing, where it’s like—where, like, the construction workers catcalling ladies, like “Hey, baby…” He’s like that, but a deity. He’s like—

Grace: (Overlapping) Oh, I like it.

Tom: Yeah, he’s just such a skeezy dude.

Grace: And you said he’s all meat?

Tom: Oh, he’s all meat.

Grace: I guess we’re all all meat, when you think about it.

Tom: No, he’s…no bones.

Grace: Cool.

Tom: He’s a jelly.

Grace: Are you thinking of, um, a gelatinous cube-type thing?

Tom: I think he has…actually, I like that. I think he’s a cube—oh, there’s actually a—

Grace: No, yeah, I pulled up a picture here that is actually a gelatinous cube.

Tom: I see it’s got some bones in there.

Grace: Yeah, it swallows them.

Tom: I think his has to have, like GamerGate stuff in it. Because, like, that’s the kind of sleazy—he thinks GamerGate was real and still believes that.

Grace: Oh my God.

Tom: I think he’s also…like, an alien abduction truther, but like, not a fun one.

Grace: Are we talking about Sllab here, or—

Tom: (Overlapping) Sllab.

Grace: (Overlapping) —or Li’l Sandy?

Tom: The deity.

Grace: Wow, so Sllab is kind of a frat boy. Like, he is otherworldly and everything, and he’s from the Nine Realms and all, but he’s…

Tom: He loves drinking, like, those Natty Daddy things, that you see at, like, the…

Grace: Cool.

Tom: Yeah. His favorite energy drink is fucking Nos, if you can imagine.

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): And, like, when he found out the news that Hooters was closing, he wept.

Grace: That’s fair.

Tom: For ten days and ten nights. Actually—what’s the in-game version of, uh, the restaurant Hooters?

Grace: Owls.

Tom: It’s full of owls.

Grace: It’s full of owls, and they just fucking peck at you all day.

Tom: It’s awful.

Grace: Um…here’s the thing. I am going to…

Tom: Leave.

Grace: Yes, I’m going to leave.

(Laughter)

Grace (cont’d): I am going to say that—uh, we get spells granted to us through out pact, and the Fiend, for example, which is one of the otherworldly pact patrons, lets us choose from an expanded list of spells? Whenever you learn a warlock spell. So, like, you could learn…these, hypothetically. But, here’s what I’m going to say—

Tom: Stinking cloud!

Grace: —because we have made a—just a real motherfucker, I’m not going to let us get any of these spells.

Tom: Aw, man.

Grace: We don’t deserve Burning Hands, we don’t deserve Command, we don’t deserve Fiendish Resilience or whatever all this shit is—

Tom: Burning Hands, Stinking Cloud…that kind of sums up our deity.

Grace: Yeah, he sucks.

Tom: He’s awful.

Grace: Hey, let’s get to, um—

Tom: (Overlapping) He’s very hot and very cold, and he’s a gelatinous cube.

Grace: Yeah. I kind of love him, though. He’s kind of like a father figure.

Tom: He’s…Grace, no, he’s absolutely not. Under no…yeah, he isn’t.

Grace: Huh.

Tom: Spells by school? This guy didn’t go to school.

Grace: Yeah. So I’m going to get us…

Tom: No, this guy went to a fucking charter school with like, nine kids. And they taught the teacher.

(Laughter)

Grace: At first level, we get two cantrips and…two spells that we know. And one spell slot.

Tom: Um, so, let’s do cantrips first, because those—I know what that one means.

Grace: Do you, Tom? Tell me what it means.

Tom: You can just use it, and you don’t need, like, recharge shit.

Grace: Hm. Interesting.

Tom: Yeah, how do you fucking like that? How do you like that?

Grace: Interesting.

(Laughter)

Tom: Alarm! That is—

Grace: That’s him. Well, first we gotta make sure that our dude can use it. Nope.

Tom: This is one bad dude.

Grace: Yeah, our dude can’t use Alarm.

Tom: Aw. What’s Poison Spray?

Grace: Probably what it sounds like. “You extend your hand—” Ooh, that’s a powerful one— “toward a creature you can see within range and project a puff of noxious gas from your palm. The creature must succeed on a Constitution saving throw or take 1d12 poison damage.”

Tom: Oh, is that, like, good?

Grace: That’s—1d12 is a pretty big deal.

Tom: All right, what’s the next one?

(Laughter)

Grace: (Slurring) Prestidigitation is really fun, you can make things, you could like—make things—

Tom: I’d like you to read that one more time.

Grace: (Clearer) Prestidigitation?

Tom: Okay, cool.

(Laughter)

Grace: I can talk.

Tom: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Grace: It’s just, like—you can do cool illusions, or something. Or you could light a candle, or you could create musical notes, or something.

Tom: I’d like my guy to just light candles with his power.

Grace: Well, we could do that. Prestidigitation! Now, we do get two fucking cantrips at level one, so it’s kind of—

Tom: All right, so that’s a one. That’s amore.

Grace: (Typing) Prestidigitation…I spelled that right on the first try.

Tom: Mhm. There was no deleting.

Grace: Nope.

Tom: No way. Never. Charm Person! That ain’t him!

Grace: Well, that’s also a spell, which…we’ll get to that in a sec. We’re still on…

Tom: What’s—all right. Give me…

Grace: There’s Chill Touch, Mage Hand, there’s Minor Illusion, there’s Eldritch Blast…

Tom: Minor Illusion, because I think this guy’s self-conscious about his height—

Grace: (Sigh)

Tom: —he’s 5’10” but he wants to be 6’.

Grace: I don’t think you can even—“…you can create an image of an object…light, sound, smell, or any—” You cannot make yourself—that’s like a fucking level nine spell! Polymorph!

Tom: (Overlapping) Fuck you.

Grace: True Polymorph!

Tom: All right, then we’ll do Minor Illusion—

Grace: (Laughter) Tom, you’ve given yourself two spells without any damage. We have—we have weapons that deal 1d4 damage, if we’re lucky; we have two cantrips that don’t do anything—

Tom: I want him to get his ass handed to him. Um—oh, wait, it can be a sound?

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: Then I’d like it to go, (Shouting) “Wow, I heard that guy was 6’3”!”

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): From, like, two blocks away. Can I do that?

Grace: You can.

Tom: Yeah. Yeah, you’re damn right.

Grace: Minor Illusion…

Tom: Wait, put in his height so we don’t forget it.

Grace: Oh, yeah. How tall do you want him to be?

Tom: 5…5’10.” You know.

Grace: That’s pretty tall.

Tom: Yeah, no, pretty tall, but he’s just self-conscious about it.

Grace: (Overlapping) Okay, I like it, I like it.

Tom: (Overlapping) He wants to be 6’1” to 6’3.”

Grace: And let’s get, um…I’m not…uh, yeah, I know two spells. We know two spells.

Tom: Mhm.

Grace: So what are the two level one spells?

Tom: Can I—what are the…?

Grace: So, uh, Charm Person, Command, Comprehend Languages—

Tom: (Laughter) Comprehend Languages. I’d like to hear that.

Grace: That can be useful. Expeditious Retreat, Hellish Rebuke, Illusory Script, Protect From Evil And Good, Unseen Servant.

Tom: What’s, what’s—

Grace: Ooh, Tom, Unseen Servant!

Tom: What’s that?

Grace: That’s right up his alley! You can get, like, an, um, um…

Tom: (Overlapping) Is that just, like a little fellow…

Grace: (Overlapping) It’s a helper! He has, you know, he has one hit point, so…

Tom: (Overlapping) That sucks.

Grace: It can help you do anything. So, like, mend clothes, or light fires, or serve food, or whatever.

Tom: Oh. I’d like a fun little butler.

Grace: Exactly. Tom, maybe that’s Dex!

Tom: Ohh…it’s an imaginary friend.

Grace: (Overlapping) It’s an imaginary friend!

Tom: Oh, no. It’s a spell.

Grace: Oh, that sucks.

Tom: Unseen Servant. Put in parentheses—Dex.

Grace: Yeah, his name is Dex—what’d we call him again?

Tom: Uh…

Grace: Shitty Dex.

Tom: (Overlapping) Shitty Dex.

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): He doesn’t even like Dex!

Grace: He calls him Shitty Dex.

Tom: “Shitty Dex,” he said to an empty room. Oh, this is bleak. All right, what’s, um, what are—Enthrall? Can we click on Enthrall, please?

Grace: Enthrall is level two, unfortunately.

Tom: Aw, nuts. Wait, isn’t the other one, too?

Grace: No, Unseen Servant is level—

Tom: Oh, okay, I thought…I just can’t read. What’s, um, Comp—Expeditious Retreat, that sounds like this guy, he runs!

Grace: “This allows you to move at an incredible pace when you cast the spell…” And then as a bonus action, each of your turns until the spell ends you can use a Dash action.

Tom: Yeah, this guy runs a lot, so…

Grace: Yeah, Expeditious Retreat.

Tom: Still no—still none that do damage, if I’m correct. I mean, I guess Shitty Dex could throw something, but…

Grace: I’m almost certain he cannot.

Tom: Aw.

Grace: Actually, let’s check out Unseen Servant, because I’m curious about that.

Tom: If he can do any damage, I’m…

Grace: He can’t move more than sixty feet away from us.

Tom: All right, well, that’s fine.

Grace: Yeah, this guy, as far as I know, cannot attack. Yeah, Strength of two—it cannot attack.

Tom: All right, cool, cool.

Grace: So those are our spells.

Tom: Yep.

Grace: Let’s just check out…looking good, we got Shitty Dex, we got Shitty Dex…

Tom: (Overlapping) We do got Shitty Dex.

Grace: (Overlapping) …we got Expeditious Retreat…would you like to get into appearance and backstory?

Tom: Yeah! Is that all we—we’re pretty much good on the front page—

Grace: We got the—yeah, I’ll do all these—oh, our saving throws, which I believe are Charisma and…Intelligence?

Tom: Intelligence. Woof.

Grace: What are our saving throws? (Typing)

Tom: Using, uh, using D&D 5E Wikia…no, we’re—

Grace: Goddamn. Why isn’t this…

Tom: Because no one ever plays warlocks, apparently.

Grace: No, warlocks are cool! People love warlocks! They’re kind of edgy, kind of cool. Fuck, what the fuck are my saving throws?! Why can’t—can we just put this—

Tom: Just fucking say it. Come on.

Grace: So, Charisma modifier…

Tom: Actually, you know what? You guys figure this out! Listeners—

Grace: (Shouting, overlapping) I’m looking this up!!

Tom: Grace.

Grace: I’m looking this up!!! My saving throws are (slurred, just an absolutely WILD mispronunciation) Wis-bu-dom and Charisma. I was almost right.

Tom: (Laughter, incomprehensible) Wh—what and Charisma?

Grace: Wisbom.

(Laughter)

Grace (cont’d): Wis-bu-dom.

Tom: Yeah, I heard three syllables there. Wis-bu-dum.

(Laughter)

Grace: Um…

Tom: Um…so, let’s do—wait.

Grace: I don’t know. What’s, like—is he kind of thick, or is he kind of skinny?

Tom: He’s…like, thick, but not in a way where people are, like, jazzed about it. He’s, like, spitefully thick.

(Laughter)

Grace: So…I—I’ll write “spitefully thick” in his weight, actually.

Tom: Like, no, he’s completely—he’s in the best shape of his life, he’s looking great, but people are not thrilled that his butt is looking good. They’re like—

Grace: (Overlapping) Oh, I see. I like it.

Tom: (Overlapping) —“Fucking asshole. With his good butt.”

Grace: Quite a fanny on this boy.

Tom: Eyes. The kind you can fall into. Do you have space for that?

Grace: Yeah. “The kind you can fall into…”

Tom: Skin. Clear. The fucking asshole.

Grace: (Dawning horror) Tom…? (Realization) Oh—I thought you meant—you don’t mean transparent.

(Laughter)

Tom: Oh my God, no.

Grace: (Overlapping) Oh, God—

Tom: (Overlapping) I’m not making a jellyfish man!

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): Jesus Christ!

Grace: I was—this guy cannot have a Charisma of 16 if he has transparent skin like a jellyfish.

Tom: Man, that’s a face you can trust.

Grace: Like a jellied fish. Goddamn.

Tom: Spitefully clear.

Grace: Spitefully clear.

Tom: Hair. Uses too much Axe.

Grace: Is there Axe…conditioner?

Tom: There’s Axe, like, gels.

Grace: Aw.

Tom: They make your hair as sharp as razors, and I know that for a fact, because I used to use it.

Grace: Well, that’s kind of useful, because he can cut people on it.

Tom: Mm.

Grace: Oh, during, um—actually—

Tom: I also think he has it in kind of a fauxhawk. Yeah.

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: I want him to, yeah—he should kind of look like he’s in Korn.

Grace: During “additional features and traits,” I’m going to—if somebody touches his hair, he does 1d4 damage, then. Because our guy is really weak, and I want to give him something.

Tom: And he’s also like— (Some accent) “Hey, don’t touch my hair—”

Grace: (Some other accent, who the fuck knows) “Don’t touch my hair—”

Tom: He’s like Uncle Jesse. He’s like, “Hey, cut it out with the hair.”

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): He also lives in an attic. Put that in “additional features and traits.”

Grace: (Typing) …Touches his hawk, they take 1d4…um, slashing damage.

Tom: I like the abbreviation there.

Grace: Um…lives in an attic like Uncle Jesse. Is it spelled Jessie, I-E?

Tom: No. J-E-S-S-E.

Grace: From…what’s he from, Family Matters?

Tom: Full House, dude. It’s a full house because he lives in the fucking attic.

(Laughter)

Grace: All right, what’s—

Tom: Like a bat!

Grace: Got any other, like, additional characteristics—

Tom: (Overlapping) Allies and Organizations? He’s part of, uh, a society—he’s part of Q-Anon.

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): He’s part of…um, he’s a big fan of, uh, Huckabee’s show.

Grace: Is that an organization?

Tom: No, it’s just a stupid fucking Fox News morning show.

Grace: Okay.

Tom: Actually, no. How about this: BIG FAN of Family Guy.

Grace: Oh, I like that.

Tom: Loves Peter Griffin. And Stewie, and the whole gang.

Grace: Cool.

Tom: You don’t need to write—

Grace: (Overlapping) Yeah, I don’t need to write all the characters.

Tom: But they are his allies.

Grace: They are his allies, yeah.

Tom: Uh, he’s part of a flat earth group.

(Laughter)

Grace: Yeah, he’s a flat earther.

Tom: Flat earther. Um…

Grace: I never really use the allies and organization section.

Tom: I mean, also, we mostly make motherfuckers. Like, for someone who’s doing an actual campaign, like…it might be useful, I get that, but…no one is going to associate with these guys.

Grace: Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Tom: No, no, no. So let’s do character appearance!

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: Let’s just—I think, um…

Grace: Transparent skin.

Tom: Absolutely not.

Grace: You said it. I’m just “yes, and”-ing. It’s a goddamn improv game.

Tom: (Overlapping) Fuck clean off with that. I am “no, but”-ing that. That in particular.

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): Uh…what should we do? He’s—I wonder if there’s, like, some great lyrics, that—wait, hold on! What’s that fucking ABBA song! Angel Eyes!

Grace: I’m looking up the lyrics right now.

Tom: Jesus Christ.

Grace: “I keep thinking about his angel eyes—”

Tom: Wait, no, hold on. “Look into his angel eyes, one look and you’re hypnotized, he’ll take your heart and you must pay the price, look into his angel eyes.”

Grace: Oh! “You think you’re in paradise, and one day you’ll find he wears a disguise. Don’t look too deep in his angel eyes, oh, no no no no.”

Tom: Yeah, that sums it up. (Singing) Ah-ha-ha. (Speaking) Wait, that’s appearance, right?

Grace: Well, remember, I can’t put anything in appearance, because I need to drag it in.

Tom: Oh, right.

Grace: Cool, cool, cool, cool.

Tom: We’ll also accept just ABBA fanart for this.

Grace: Yeah, just send us pictures of ABBA.

Tom: I’d like some of that. Um…treasure?

Grace: I mean…he’s kind of got no treasure. He’s got fifteen sporks. He’s got…

Tom: Yeah, but, like, those are…

Grace: Yeah, those are in his items. I don’t think he has any treasure. I’m not comfortable putting anything in his treasure.

Tom: He has nothing.

Grace: He has nothing and he deserves nothing.

Tom: He has—pretty much.

Grace: Backstory!

(Laughter)

Tom: Backstory—we should talk about his god, which is, uh, Sllab.

Grace: Yeah! I want to know how he met Sllab. Like, how do you deal with that? Like…all warlocks have kind of an interesting backstory, because—how do you meet an eldritch abomination, make friends with that? Well, not friends—

Tom: (Overlapping) All right, I’m just gonna do some shit. Like—all right, I’m just gonna give you a day in the life of how he met Sllab.

Grace: Okay.

Tom: You ready? Get those typing fingers going. We’ll remind our listeners that she types everything I say.

Grace: I type word for word.

Tom: Yeah, so. (Muttering) What’s the name of our guy…

Grace: Starting Tools? Tom, did you forget the name of our podcast?

Tom: No, not our podcast!

Grace: Oh, our guy! I thought you said “cast.” Li’l Sandy.

Tom: All right, so. Li’l Sandy had just finished clogging a public toilet, and not apologizing or doing anything about it, when he met Sllab. All right, so. So. He had just tripped an old woman…who was looking for her husband in a crowd.

Grace: Mm-hmm.

Tom: And he heard a booming voice from above that said, “Nice! Old people suck!”

Grace: Oh.

Tom: Wait, I want to give Sllab a voice. (Surfer-esque, goat-like bleat, far too loud) “NICE!”

Grace: Oh, God.

Tom: “OLD PEOPLE SUCK!” Dude, I’m peaking the audio.

Grace: Yeah, you cannot do that goddamn voice on our podcast.

Tom: “NIIIICE!”

Grace: That was louder! That was worse, that was worse!

Tom: I’m gonna go to the other side of the room.

(Laughter)

Tom (cont’d): “THAT WAS SWEET-ASS, DUDE! OLD PEOPLE STINK!”

Grace: I don’t think that peaked the audio, but it kind of…peaked my soul?

Tom: (Overlapping) Yeah, peaked your eardrums.

Grace: (Overlapping) Peaked my heart.

Tom: “MY NAME IS SLLLLLAB! AND I LOOOOOOOVE…UH, JUST, FUCKING WITH…EVERYBODY!” (Laughter) It’s not…good. “WHEN…I’VE BEEN LOOKING, I’VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER THIS LAME ASS-TOWN FOR, UH—” What’s it called when you have someone who…

Grace: A friend?

Tom: No, like, someone who worships you.

Grace: A patron.

Tom: “—FOR A PATRON! AND BUDDY, LOOKS LIKE YOU FUCKING GOT WHAT IT TAKES!” And then he, uh, did a “what are those” joke. To, uh, someone passing by. (Closer to the mic again) So, after that—

Grace: (Overlapping) So, that’s, um…that seems pretty good—

(Laughter)

Tom: Uh, can I just, I’m gonna type something—actually, no, you’re faster at, you’re better at typing than me. I got bad fingers. Um, this is just a little footnote: Li’l Sandy fucking sucks.

Grace: Mm.

Tom: What an asshole. And I hate him. And like—mission accomplished with creating a character that we just can’t stand, right? Like, you wouldn’t spend a minute with him. I’d—

Grace: I’d kill him.

Tom: I would take Longman “Urkgub” Good out to dinner before I’d deal with this guy.

Grace: Yeah. Oh, I wouldn’t. I don’t think I could.

(Laughter)

Tom: Imagine ordering spaghetti and seeing how scared he got.

Grace: Oh, man.

(Laughter)

Tom: Oh, Jesus. But, Li’l Sandy—Li’l Sandy slash not Li’l Sandy—I think he’s a really bad character! I don’t like him at all, I don’t think he’s playable—

Grace: I have a question for you.

Tom: Sure.

Grace: What’s his motivation? This is, like, an important character that I do with all my character before I write, like, anything about them. What’s driving this guy? Why would he keep on being alive, you know?

Tom: Why doesn’t he just walk into the ocean?

Grace: Exactly. What’s the deal?

Tom: Pure spite. Because so many people have asked him to walk into the ocean, and he’s just, like, “No way, José.”

Grace: Oh, I like that. He just won’t walk into the ocean because it’s what everyone—it’s what the man wants you to do.

Tom: Yeah. Li’l Sandy is a fucker who does not play by anyone’s rules.

Grace: (Overlapping) Yeah, and he’s like, “First Amendment, dude, I don’t need to walk into the ocean if I don’t want to.”

Tom: (Overlapping) Yeah, God, he’s a total free speech dude.

Grace: “First Amendment, bitch.” And then they all stab him with forks, and he dies. He dies at level one because he has nine hit points and we hate him so goddamn much.

Tom: I think—actually, if anyone has, like, a weekly campaign, you guys should do one throwaway game where Li’l Sandy is introduced and then promptly defeated by all of you.

Grace: I like that. Well, here’s the thing: you end up with fifteen sporks, and you’re like, “What could I ever do with fifteen sporks?” But you don’t realize: each spork—if you stab hard enough with it, if you succeed on a Strength saving throw—that’s one point of damage. Do the math.

Tom: (Overlapping) Also, that’s a meal, baby!

(Laughter)

Grace: That’s a meal!

Tom: Not that sporks—it’s a tool!

Grace: Yeah! I mean, do the fucking math! Fifteen sporks, one hit point, nine hit points on this bastard…get him unconscious, finish him off.

Tom: We have to end this podcast. You’re just talking about sporks.

Grace: Yeah. I’m really excited about the idea of a spork as a weapon.

Tom: All right, so, what can we plug? We might be on iTunes soon?

Grace: Yes, we submitted our podcast for review. It’s currently being reviewed by Mr. iTunes himself.

Tom: We’re gonna get an email—yep, just refreshing the Gmail…

Grace: (Overlapping) I’m gonna reload my email and see…nope, nothing yet.

Tom: Aw.

Grace: But we do have an email—

Tom: (Overlapping) Oh, yeah.

Grace: —that you can send us emails at.

Tom: Send us your hate mail and everything…

Grace: It is startingtools@gmail.com. And our website is startingtools.wordpress.com. That’s where you can listen to our episodes for now.

Tom: And we’ve posted the character sheets there, as well as, um, to our Twitter account.

Grace: Our Twitter account, which is @ToolsStarting.

Tom: Yep.

Grace: And if you wanna spread the word, just, uh, do #ToolsPod.

Tom: No, #ToolsCast.

Grace: #ToolsCast, yes. #ToolsCast. In case you—for some reason—want to spread the word about this godawful existence.

Tom: Or if you just have something bad to say, like…

Grace: Yeah, like, if you want to say “You guys suck at D&D and “You shouldn’t play a warlock, ever—”

Tom: “I’m never listening to #ToolsCast again—” It just, if you slip it in…

Grace: Get it trending, get it trending. You know how it is.

Tom: Yeah. All right, well, um, thank you, we’re sorry…again…

Grace: Yeah.

Tom: Um, Li’l Sandy!

Grace: Li’l Sandy. All right. Thanks for listening to Starting Tools, we’ve been the tools! All right. See you.

Tom: Bye-bye.

Grace: FUCK!

(Outro music: “Minor Apprehension” by Jackie McLean”)

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